


Save me from the darkest places, save me from myself

by PunkyRocky



Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-09-22 16:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 37,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9615356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkyRocky/pseuds/PunkyRocky
Summary: Emma is a twenty one year old girl, and the sister of famous bassist Ashley Purdy. They grew up together and used to be best friends. But Ashley left her when he got the chance to join a new rock band, Black Veil Brides. When Ashley left, Emma felt like a part of her left too. After years of Ashley leaving, she finally made friends at school. They had a bad influence on Emma though, according to her parents. And that is why her parents decided that she should go to LA and live with her brother for a while. And that's how Emma's old life ended.~ Disclaimer: Although I wish it was true, I do not know black veil brides nor do I own them, and this story is completely made up by me





	1. Chapter 1

I hope you guys enjoy this story! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Five hours later and I’m looking at the baggage belt. Waiting for my big suitcase to arrive. The flight wasn’t so bad, despite sitting next to a woman who was looking at me like I just killed a man. What’s wrong woman, never seen an emo girl? Jesus. I stare outside of the window at the area where people are waiting. But not my brother. No, why would he be on time? It’s not like he would care anyways.   
I sniff in the fresh air. Finally enjoying the sun on my skin again, after waiting and sitting in small spaces for hours and hours. I pull my sweater over my head and bind it around my waste, since it always feels like it’s summer here. I look at my shaky hands while binding the sweater around my waist. I’m in serious need of a cigarette. And since my brother is not here yet, I can do whatever I want. My eyes scan the area, stopping on a random man with just the thing I need. A pack of cigarettes sticks out of his pocket. My feet are moving towards him before I can even think about it twice.  
‘Hey, can I have one please?’ I ask while pointing at the pack of cigarettes. He nods shortly at me before handing me a cigarette and a lighter.   
‘Rough day?’ He asks while I light up my cigarette.  
‘Tell me about it. Moving all the way across the country against your will, does it sound like a rough day?’ I ask in between blowing out some smoke. I have missed this feeling.   
‘Well it’s good to see you too, sister.’ I would recognize that voice anywhere. Deep inside I want to run at him and hug him like I would never let go. But I can’t. The asshole left me. And he will pay for it.  
‘Oh, hey Ash,’ I answer nonchalantly while blowing out some more smoke.  
‘Oh we are not doing that. Let’s go home,’ he says while taking the cigarette out of my hands and throwing it on the ground.   
‘Whatever,’ I mumble while walking past him in the direction of the parking lot, bumping my shoulder into his. I lean against the car that’s his before he catches up with me. I patiently wait for him to open the door and get into the seat next to the driver’s seat as soon as I can. I watch Ashley putting all my baggage in the back of the car.  
I pull my phone out and put my earbuds in, playing Five Finger Death Punch as loud as it can be played. Ashley is probably saying something to me, but I can’t hear it and I actually don’t care.  
That’s how the whole drive goes. Me staring outside of the window, while Ashley tries to start a conversation. Not going to happen, bro.   
It only feels like yesterday when we used to do everything together. And now there is this big gap between us. I just can’t act like nothing happened. I can still feel his arms around my waist, laying together in my bed after my girlfriend broke up with me. I never thought I would be able to have feelings for a girl, and I never thought I would be able to feel so broken because of one. But Ashley was there for me that night. We talked and cuddled all night. We talked about everything we could think of. We cried together. It felt like he was the missing piece of the puzzle that was making my life complete. But now it’s like I’ve lost all pieces of that puzzle, and only one has just found me again.   
‘Emmmmmaaa….’   
I snap out of my thoughts, looking at Ashley waving his hands in front of me.   
‘We’re home sis, let me show you your room,’ he says before offering his hand to help me out of the car. I look at the hand before ignoring it and climbing out of the car myself. I grab my suitcase and walk up to the big house in front of me.   
‘Woah, do you live here alone?’ I ask while gaping at the house, forgetting my anger for a second.   
‘Uhm.. well… Not exactly. Remember that I’m in a band?’  
I nod.  
‘Well, I have a house mate. His name is Andy Biersack. I’m sure you will like him, though,’ he says while scratching the back of his neck.  
‘Sure.’ I walk up towards the front door and wait for Ashley to open it for me. As soon as I get into the house, I see four men sitting on the couch. Each of them has long black hair, wearing leather jackets and they stare at me curiously.  
‘Well Em, this is Jake-‘  
‘Well Ash, I really don’t care,’ I speak out loudly before I pick up my suitcase and walk up the stairs, assuming my bedroom should be somewhere there.


	3. Chapter 3

‘Emmaa!! Dinner is ready!’ I hear my brother yelling through the house. I’ve been sitting on my bed since the moment I found my room. My brother wanted to introduce me to his bandmates. Well, guess what? I really don’t feel like meeting new people. One, they probably won’t like me. And two, I’m not planning on staying very long here anyways. I actually got the chance to play soccer here with a professional club, so I guess I have to find my own place.   
My legs are stiff from sitting in the same position all afternoon. I slowly get up from my bed and straighten my clothes, before walking out of the room. When I get downstairs, I see some tall guy with long black hair sitting at the table with a plate of hot food. My brother is busy with some plates and pans.   
I decide to ignore either of them, and sit down at the very end of the table where the tall guy is sitting.   
‘Hey, I don’t think I introduced myself yet, I’m Andy,’ he says before standing up and walking over to me. He holds out his hand, expecting me to take it and politely say my name. I don’t.  
‘Okay. Bye,’ I say while staring straight into his bright blue eyes.  
‘Emma, stop with this nonsense please,’ Ashley steps away from the furnace, looking at me with a frown.  
‘Nah, don’t feel like it.’  
‘Then go to your room.’ Ashley was actually looking quite pissed off right now.   
‘Don’t treat me like a child, Ash.’  
‘Then don’t act like one.’  
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. Bye Ash, bye tall guy,’ I say before getting up from the chair again and walking out of the apartment. Into this city I don’t know.  
\------   
It didn’t take long before I found a bar. It’s a few hours later now, and you could say I drank a lot. My muscled stiffened when I noticed someone sitting next to me. I tried to let my eyes focus on the guy, but I guess I was too tired to do that.   
‘Hey, you’re Emma right?’ the guy asked me while looking at me with friendly eyes. Woah, how did this guy know my name? Who was he? He looked like my brother, but then just a little bit different. I don’t even know, I can’t think clearly.   
‘Uhm, yeaah how do you know my naaaaame?’ Well done Emma. Not sounding intoxicated at all. You get an award for acting like you’re sober.  
‘I’m a friend of Ashley’s, I’m in his band. My name is CC.’  
‘Oh that’s hot, want to make out?’ I slur before moving my face towards his.   
‘Oh, wow uhm no sorry. You look like you use some help getting home though. Let me buy you some water,’ he speaks quickly before backing away quickly. He mentions towards the bar tender, who brings him a glass of water.  
‘Here, drink this,’ he says before handing me the glass.  
I carefully take a sip, enjoying the fresh taste of the water.   
‘Why are you doing this for me? I treated you guys like shiitt this afternoon,’ I hiccup right after slurring this out.  
‘Because you are my friend’s sister, and I care about people my friends care about.’  
‘Ashley doesn’t care about me. Let’s go home,’ I mumble before drinking the whole glass of water at once and standing up from the seat to go to CC’s car.   
\------  
I think it took CC actually quite some effort to get me in the right car, without letting me walk against walls, other cars or just falling to the ground. I looked at the house that was owned by my brother. Getting out of the car, I felt a wave of nausea hitting me.   
‘CC, I think I’m going to throw- ‘ I can’t even finish my sentence, having to hold my hand against my mouth to prevent throwing up right there and now.  
I see him getting some keys out of pocket before putting his arm around my shoulder and running towards the front door. He opens the door and pushes me in. I look at the tall guy, I think Andy was his name, standing right in front of the bathroom.   
‘Andy, get out of the way!’ I hear CC yelling at him but he just looks at me with confusion in his eyes.   
It must have been my drunk brain doing the think work, because right at that moment I decided it was the best to punch Andy out of the way. My fist landed on his eye, and one more time on his nose before he groaned in pain and stepped away.   
I run into the bathroom before throwing everything up I ate and drink that night. I feel a hand rubbing my back, guessing it was CC.  
‘What’s going on here?’ I hear my brother mumble sleepily. I actually feel bad this time for waking him up.  
‘Well, I found your sister in a bar, quiet intoxicated. And now she is throwing up,’ CC speaks from right beside me.   
‘You drank? You came here and you became drunk the very first night? I’m so fucking done with your shit,’ Ashley sounded so pissed off. I felt someone grabbing my collar and dragging my up.   
‘CC, bring a bucket to her room,’ I hear Ashley command before dragging me towards the stairs. He takes me up to my room and sits me down on the bed.   
He looks at me one more time while standing in the doorway.  
‘Tomorrow, Emma, we are going to talk about this. Oh and by the way, you’re not leaving the house on your own anymore.’


	4. Chapter 4

I am never drinking again. Never. My head is throbbing like someone is constantly hitting me with a hammer. I carefully open one eye, groaning at the brightness of the sunlight. I let myself roll out of bed, landing hard on the ground. I push myself up and stumble in the direction of the bathroom, throwing some water in my face. I hear the door opening and look at it.  
‘Emma, we are going to have breakfast together and talk. Now,’ Ashley says before leaving the bathroom again.   
I quickly put hair in position and walk towards my room to put some descend clothes on. After that, I take a deep breath before walking down the stairs, waiting for the preach my brother was going to give me.  
When I get into the kitchen, I see him sitting at the table with fried eggs and bacon.   
‘I have made you some greasy food, it helps curing the hangover,’ he mumbles before pointing at a plate, that’s apparently meant for me. I sit down on the chair on the opposite of Ashley, carefully avoiding gaze.  
‘Emma, why are you doing this?’ He starts the conversation between taking two bites.   
Don’t let him get to you Emma. Just ignore him. He wants you to forgive him. That’s not going to happen. He’s trying to convince you that he is a good brother with some greasy breakfast.  
‘Emma, I’m talking to you.’   
‘What do you want me to say?’ I snap.  
‘Why you were out getting drunk yesterday.’  
‘Because I felt like it. It’s not like you would care anyways.’  
‘Mom told me you had some drinking problems back at home Emma. I don’t want that in my house, do you understand?’ Ashley sounded so disappointed in me. He had every reason to. I was a disappointment for our family.  
‘Why do you even care, Ashley? It’s not like you cared for the last few years.’  
‘Why do you think that?’ He raises his voice while asking this question.  
‘Why do I think that? Don’t you understand?’ I start raising my voice now as well.   
‘No, Emma, I don’t!’  
I’m not doing this. He is so fucking stupid. I get up, trying to leave this conversation.   
‘If you leave this conversation now, Emma, I will be done with you. You can leave my house and die in your own shit, do you understand me?’ The tone in his voice makes me sit down again. He has stood up himself, and is towering over me right now.  
‘Yes, I understand,’ I mumble.  
‘Why do you think I don’t care about you?’ He asks again, his voice softer now while sitting down.  
I don’t feel like telling him, but I don’t feel like not telling him neither. I feel like my thoughts are pulling me apart. Like I’m being pulled towards two sides at once, ripping my soul apart. On the inside, I’m screaming. I feel my eyes watering. Oh no, Emma. You are not going to cry about your fucking asshole brother.  
‘You left me,’ I mumble, so quietly I don’t think anyone would be able to here.  
‘Sorry?’  
‘You left me,’ I speak out louder now.  
‘Emma, I had the chance to make my dreams come true. I never thought you would be so mad at me for leaving our parental house.’  
‘Well Ashley, you thought wrong.’  
‘Why are you so mad at me for leaving? I thought you were feeling better at that time! I thought you could handle your life on your own!’   
‘Well, Ash, I could not! I don’t know if you knew, but you were my only friend!’ I raise my voice again, standing up from the chair. I see Ashley doing the same. We’re both leaning over the table, making that our faces are very close to each other.  
‘You had friends! I wouldn’t have left if I thought you didn’t have anyone else!’ He is almost screaming at me now.   
‘Oh that’s what you call friends?? The kids who used to push me into the mud, who fucking hurt me physically and mentally all the time when we were younger? You actually thought I would call them my friends? No, I hung out with them because they were the only people in town who would not look at me with disgust all the time!’  
‘You could have TOLD ME, that’s what I’m your BROTHER FOR.’  
‘Like you would care back then, you were only thinking about your OWN ROCKSTAR LIFE.’  
‘I DID NOT.’  
‘WELL IT FELT LIKE THAT FOR ME. YOU LEFT ME ALONE WITH MY DEPRESSING THOUGHTS. YOU LEFT ME ALONE WHEN I NEEDED YOU THE MOST.’  
‘I thought you weren’t depressed anymore when I left.’ The volume of his voice was going down again.  
‘I never stopped being depressed.’ I looked at my untouched breakfast, avoiding Ashley’s gaze.  
He didn’t respond immediately, and I don’t know why. When I looked up to him, I saw him staring at the doorway. I followed his gaze, looking at Andy standing there in his pyjamas. One of his eyes was bruised, just like his nose.   
‘Go away, Andy,’ I said with gritted teeth. He looked at me confused, before his eyes hardened and he walked past me, bumping his shoulder into mine.  
‘Fuck off, bitch,’ he mumbled before walking through the kitchen towards the living room.   
‘Emma?’ I heard Ashley quietly say.  
‘Yes?’ I said, still not looking him in the eye.  
‘Will you please look me in the eyes?’  
I looked up, staring straight into his eyes. The anger had left his eyes, and he was looking at me with concern now.   
‘Emma, you didn’t… You have not…’  
‘You can say it out loud Ashley.’  
‘You didn’t cut yourself again since I left, did you?’ His eyes were filled with sadness.  
I looked him straight in the eyes while telling him the truth.  
‘No.’   
‘Emma, I want you to know that you mean the world to me. I really care about you, no day went by without thinking about you.’ He looked at me. I looked back. I felt so empty. I was so tired. I didn’t feel any emotion at the moment.   
‘Now, come on and give your brother a hug.’ He walks over to my side of the table and opens his arms for me. I let myself fall into them, leaning the side of my face against his chest. Sniffing in his smell, that comforted me when were kids. And that smell made me never want to leave his embrace anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

“Emma hurry up, your training starts in 20 minutes!” I hear my brother yelling through the house. Today will be my first day at an official football club. It’s called something like LA’s Football Club. I don’t know. It’s professional and that’s what it’s about.  
I grab my sport shoes and put them in my bag. I look in the mirror once again. My hair is in a high pony tail, with a sweat band around my head. I am wearing the official sports tenue, which consists out of a tight blue t-shirt and a long sweatpants. Thank god that they didn’t give me shorts, I wouldn’t know how to cover up my old scars for my team mates.  
“Emma, we need to leave now or you will be late,” I look at my brother, standing in the doorway of my bedroom with the car keys in his hand. I follow him downstairs, eyeing Andy carefully while I walk past him towards the front door. He just stares at me with his bright blue eyes, like he wants to look right into my soul. I don’t say bye, and neither does he. I have to force my eyes to look away from him and walk out of the house.  
It’s only a ten minute drive, but with the traffic in LA, it took us already 20 minutes and we were not even there yet.  
“You know, I could have walked there on my own. I would have been on time,” I mumble while looking out of the window of the car. We were driving on one of the biggest crossings of the neighbourhood, turning left.   
“Not a chance.”   
“Why not?”  
“Because you are clearly not mature enough to handle this city on your own. You proved that to me yesterday.”  
“Ash, come on-“ I start but he cuts me off.  
“I said no, Emma. Now get out of the car, we’re at the club. You will be picked up at 5,” Ashley says, a hint of irritation in his voice. I look carefully at how he puts the car in a kiss and ride parking spot.   
“You have to kiss me, otherwise you can’t ride,” I mumble, trying to change the subject. I hear Ash chuckle quietly, before feeling his lips on my cheek.  
“That’s my crazy little sister. Now go on and have fun, see you tonight,” he laughs before leaning over me to open the door on my side for me. I climb out of the car, enjoying the fresh, warm air.  
\-------------  
“Come on new one!! You were late already, show me what real running is!” I look at the blonde woman, who is our coach, shouting at me. I force my legs to move even faster than they already did, pushing my body to its limit.  
“Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! Time for break ladies! Good job!” I look at her handing out towels at me and my team mates, before all the girls walk in the direction of the canteen.  
I sit down next to one of the girls, whom I assume is the teen captain. I get the sandwiches that Ashley made for me out of my bag. I am as hungry as a horse. My stomach starts rumbling immediately when I look at the food.  
“Hey, nice to meet you. My name is Claire.” The girl I sat down next to stares at me with friendly eyes.  
“Emma,” I mumble between two bites.  
“I like your name,” she pauses a moment before looking at the amount of sandwiches on my plate. “Are you going to eat all of those?”  
“Uhm, yeah I guess. I am quite hungry. Why?”  
“Oh nothing. It’s just… well I wouldn’t be able to eat that.. thinking about all of the calories.”  
“Oh.. yeah, I guess it’s a lot.”  
“Yeah, some of us can have it though. But if I were you, I would eat less.”   
I looked down at my plate again. It was actually quite a lot. Besides that I like playing football, I also sport because I want to have a healthy weight. I guess I shouldn’t eat everything today. I take a few more bites, feeling aware of my belly hanging slightly over the edge of my pants while eating it. I take the rest of the sandwiches and throw them in the bin. I give Claire a small smile, before sitting down next to her again. Just a few more minutes before we have to start working out again, so I take a deep breath and enjoy the moment of rest my body needs.  
\----------  
“Is that all you’re eating?” I look up at Ashley, who is looking at me with one raised eyebrow.   
I look down at my plate again, avoiding his gaze. The few words keep playing over and over again in my mind. If I were you, I would eat less.  
“Yeah, I am full. We ate a lot of snacks at the football club,” I lie, while putting my knife and fork on the board and putting it in the kitchen sink. We didn’t eat anything at all. But hey, if you want to lose weight then you would have to do something for it, right? Obviously, the team captain thought about it the same way. And she was super skinny. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Andy looking from me to Ashley for a moment, before looking at his food again.  
“Okay, if you say so. Who am I to force you to eat more?” Ashley chuckles.  
“That’s right brother. So, movie night tonight?”   
“Hell yeah!” He yells enthusiastically, before throwing his fist up in the air.


	6. Chapter 6

The last few days went by rather quickly. Nothing special happened. I would get up every morning and have breakfast with my brother, while Andy was still sleeping. After that, my brother would bring me to my football training. I would eat one or two sandwiches there, making sure I ate just enough to be able to keep on training. After training, Ash would pick me up again. We dined together with the three of us, mostly in silence. I would eat something, but left my half full stomach rumbling most of the time. At the end of the day, me and Ashley would watch a movie or television series. We would eventually go to bed, preparing our body for the same ritual the next today.  
But today was different, since I didn’t have football training today. My brother and his bandmates had made plans to go shopping, not thinking about me being alone all day in the apartment. Apparently, I still couldn’t be trusted alone, so I was forced to come along to the shopping centre.  
I looked at the girl in front of me, reflected in the mirror. My hair hang loosely around my face, I was wearing an Asking Alexandria shirt and ripped skinny jeans. I thought about what Claire said again. If I were you, I would eat less. The words seemed to be stuck on repeat in my head.  
Yeah, I used to eat quite a lot. But I only now noticed that you could actually see it. My belly was hanging a bit over the edge of my pants, you could even see it with my loose band shirt on. I guess I would have to hold my breath all day then. And maybe eat a little less junk food. I had a few sandwiches today for breakfast, that would do until dinner.   
“Emma, what is taking you so long?” When I looked in the mirror, I saw my brother standing behind me, staring at me from the doorway.   
“Nothing.. Uhm.. let’s go,” I said, sounding more happy than I actually felt. I picked my bag from my bed and walked out of the room, after Ashley.   
\-------  
I looked at the tall guys, with long black hair and leather jackets. There five of them, to be exactly. Every member of Black Veil Brides was present. They were walking a few meters in front of me.  
I saw one of them slowing their pace, making sure he would end up walking besides me.  
I didn’t feel like talking today, so I put my earbuds in and was blasting Linkin Park at a high volume. I didn’t want to go fucking shopping, I wanted to relax and lay on the couch all day. Maybe work out, to keep fit for my football training. But no, here I was, walking with these rock stars in some random shopping centre.   
I saw his lips moving, but I didn’t hear what he said. I think his name was Jake. And the other one would be Jinxx. I knew Ashley, Andy and CC by now. I only kept confusing Jake and Jinxx.  
Since I didn’t have any idea what he said, I decided to just ignore him, hoping he would leave my side soon again.  
I felt my earbuds being pulled out of my ears. When I looked up, I looked straight into Ashley’s eyes.  
“Emma, Jake is talking to you. Don’t act so rude,” he says into my face, before turning around to get in pace with Andy, CC and Jinxx again.  
“I’m sorry Emma, I don’t want you to feel obliged to talk to me-“ Jake starts rumbling but I cut him off. He didn’t do anything wrong, I guess.  
“No it’s fine, what did you say?”   
“I asked how you football club was. You are training a lot right?” He gave me a little smile, before looking in front of him again.  
“Yeah that’s right. It’s really nice. The girls are nice and our coach is great,” I told him. It didn’t feel like I didn’t tell him the truth though. I liked the girls, but something was off, and I couldn’t point my finger at what it was exactly.  
“Awesome! I’m glad you like it there. And how is it going between you and Ashley?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, in the beginning you didn’t seem to want have anything to do with him, but you two seem okay with each other now?”  
“Yeah, we talked about our problems and made some kind of peace. Although he can still be acting like an annoying mom.”  
“Hey, that’s what siblings are for,” Jake chuckles.  
“Hey guys, we thought about going to Starbucks, grabbing a coffee and something to eat for lunch?” Jinxx started talking while turning around.   
Huh, lunch. I just decided to skip that one. But just some coffee would be fine, I guess.  
“Fine with me,” I smiled at him, receiving an even bigger smile from him back.  
\---------  
“Emma, you can keep our table occupied. What do you want to eat and drink?” CC asks while I sit down, and watch everyone drop their bags at one of the chairs.   
“I don’t want anything to eat. Just a coffee is okay,” I smiled at him. He looked like he wanted to protest, but the rest already walked over to order so ran after them.  
They came back a moment later with their coffees and sandwiches, muffins and donuts. CC handed me my coffee, so I mumbled a quiet thank you. I sat in a corner, next to Jinxx and he was sitting next to Jake. I was in front of Andy, next to him was Ashley and then CC.  
“Wait, are you not going to eat anything?” Ashley looked at me with one eyebrow raised. Andy looked at me with something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place, while taking a sip of his coffee. When I stared back at him, he looked away again.  
“Nah, I’m not hungry,” I answered shortly.  
“Well, it’s lunch time, so you have to eat something,” Ashley stated.  
“I will eat something when we get home.”  
“No, when we get home, we will have dinner. You can’t just skip lunch.”  
I looked at CC’s hands, while he was tearing his sandwich in half. He looked at me with his friendly eyes, before offering half of his lunch. I felt my stomach rumbling right at that moment, silently agreeing with CC’s decision.  
No. No means no. I promised myself that I would not eat anything until dinner. If I eat something now, I am weak. Fucking weak. I can’t.   
I politely shake my head, while pushing his sandwich back to his own plate.  
“No, thank you. Really I’m fine.”  
“Emma, I want you to eat something,” Ashley looks rather mad at me right now.  
“And I don’t want to. I said no, Ashley.”  
“And I said yes, Emma.”  
“Ashley don’t act like I’m a fucking child. I know what I’m doing. If I say I’m not hungry, then I’m not hungry,” I speak out quite loud now. While saying this, I rise up from my chair, putting extra power into my words.  
“Emma, sit down right now and eat,” Ashley had stood up now as well.  
“Go to hell, for heaven’s sake,” I mumble before grabbing my coffee and walking out of the Starbucks. I avoided all their gazes, hoping they wouldn’t see the tears burning in my eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

I sat down on a random bench in the mall. I calmly sipped my coffee, while listening to Sleep blaring through my earbuds. I stared at the people walking past me, thinking about their life story. Who are they? Do they have brothers, sisters? What kind of music do they like? What do they do for a living? Isn’t it weird that you know so much about your own life, but barely anything about any other’s.  
I looked up when I saw someone dressed in black stopping right in front of me. I stared right in the blue eyes of mister Andy Biersack. He didn’t show any sign of recognition. He dropped my bag and jacket on the bench beside me, before sitting down himself.  
I ripped out my earbuds, staring at Andy.  
“What?” He asked, sounding irritated.  
“It should be me asking you that. What do you think you are doing?”  
“I am babysitting you.”  
“What?”  
“Like I said. I am babysitting you. I was the only one that didn’t need to buy anything specific, so I have been your promoted to your babysitter while the rest is buying the things they need.”  
“Oh, okay,” I mumbled before putting my earbuds again. Fine with me if my brother didn’t want me to be alone, but that didn’t mean I would be acting social towards my ‘babysitter’.  
\--------  
It felt like we had been sitting like that for hours, before Andy spoke to me again.  
“Please put your volume down, I can hear the music and it’s annoying,” Andy says while looking up from his phone, into my eyes.  
“Nah, don’t feel like it,” I answered smoothly. I could barely hear myself and Andy talking.  
“Whatever. What are you listening to anyways?” Andy asks before taking my phone out of my hands. I tried to stop him, but I was too slow. I had been sitting in the same position for some time now, and my muscles were feeling stiff.  
“Andy, please don’t-“ But Andy was scrolling through my list of songs already. I tried to reach over, but he just pushed me back in my old position with his free hand. I gave up after a few tries, internally sighing. I looked at Andy scrolling through my songs.  
He looked up at me, a frown forming on his face.  
“What? Did you expect One Direction?” I snap.  
“No but-“  
“Can I have my phone back now?”  
“Emma, these songs are so depressing,” he looked me straight in the eyes. I looked down immediately, trying to avoid his gaze.  
“Like I didn’t know that already. Give me my phone back.”  
He sighed deeply, before handing me my phone back. Just a moment later, Andy’s phone started ringing. I looked at him curiously while he picked it up.  
“Hey Ash. Yeah we will be there in a few minutes. Yo, byee,” he spoke on the phone to my brother.  
“It’s your brother. They are waiting at the cars, ready to leave. Are you ready to go?” He asked me. He stood up right after he asked, holding out his hand for me to help me up.  
I picked my stuff up from the ground and got up as well, ignoring his hand.  
“Yeah,” I mumbled, before walking in the direction of the parking lot.  
\--------------  
You could say that Ashley made a scene at dinner again. The guys stayed for dinner, so they thought it would be a great idea to order in some food. They ended up ordering pizza.  
Apparently, eating 2 slices of pizza and drinking a glass of water wasn’t enough. I felt like I just ate enough for two days, though.  
“What is your problem Ashley?! Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?!” I yelled. I saw the rest of the guys staring from me to Ashley quietly.  
“It’s not NOTHING, that you didn’t eat all day!”  
“I did eat! Come on, for fuck’s sake. I just ate a quarter pizza and I ate breakfast today, and I had coffee for lunch!” I yell back.  
“That doesn’t sound like a lot-“ Jake started but I cut him off.  
“Shut up!” I snapped, standing up.  
“Emma, I want you to sit down, RIGHT NOW. And you are going to finish your pizza.” Ashley looked so pissed off.  
“Don’t tell me what I should do. You are not my mom,” I yelled, before walking off. I went to my room, lying down and putting in my earbuds again. I closed my eyes, ignoring the empty feeling in my stomach.  
I opened my eyes when I heard a small knock on the door. I looked up to see CC and Andy standing in the doorway.  
"What do you want?" I snapped.  
CC sighed.  
"Emma, we need to talk."


	8. Chapter 8

I looked at CC from the position I was laying in. I saw Andy standing only an inch behind him.   
“Uhm, okay…” I mumbled before sitting up straight.  
“Can we sit on your bed?” Andy asked now, walking into my bedroom after CC. I nodded slightly.  
“We noticed that you and Ashley have been fighting a lot about the amount of food you eat..” CC started, but I cut him off.  
“Listen, if you are here to support my brother and came to convince me to eat some more downstairs, then this conversation is over,” I snapped.  
“Emma, just shut up and listen to him,” Andy sounded quite irritated. I sighed, before nodding.  
“Has Ashley ever told you about Denise?” CC started again.  
“No..?”  
“Ashley and Denise were in a relationship for a while. They would do everything together. She would come along to band repetitions, they would lunch together almost every day, they went on dates quite a lot. At one moment, they were even ready to move in together.”  
“Why… why didn’t he tell me?” I stuttered, a feeling of sadness creeping over me.  
“Just listen,” Andy quietly said while looking me straight in the eyes. He was actually looking friendly at me this time, instead of irritated, mad or just emotionless.  
“One day, we were shooting a music video for one of our new songs. We asked Denise to come over and watch, she could even shoot some photos if she wanted to. What she didn’t know, was that Ashley was going to propose to her, and that we were all in the complot. We were all wearing jacket with one word on them. I had Will, Jinxx had You, Jake had Marry, Andy had Me and Ashley had a question mark. We made sure she didn’t see our backs while filming the whole video, but they were caught on tape. She was the first to watch the video when we were done montaging it. She had to watch it twice before she noticed the words, shown in the right order, on our backs. She burst out in tears when she saw the hidden message, kissing Ashley full on the mouth before saying yes.”  
I felt tears stinging behind my eyes. How could I have missed this? How could he not tell me? How could he almost have started a new family, without even introducing me to his girlfriend?  
“Why are you telling me this?” I mumbled.  
“Because her smile faded soon, a few seconds after she said yes. She collapsed on the stone cold floor. We first thought she fainted because of, well, maybe the shock that Ashley had asked her to marry him? We laid her down on the couch, waiting for her to wake up..”  
“But she didn’t,” I finished his sentence, looking CC in the eyes.  
“Well, not immediately no. She woke up in the hospital, after we took her there. We weren’t there when the doctors came to tell what was wrong with her, but Ashley and her parents were. Apparently, she had Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. When I think I about it now, then yeah, I would say that she was pretty skinny. But I never gave it a second thought. Without Ash or one of us noticing, she had been throwing up everything she ate in our presence. When she wasn’t with one us, she would just starve herself for the time being.  
I looked at my lap again, avoiding their gazes. I felt my stomach rumble. How ironic.  
“Her parents were pissed. But not at Denise. They were pissed at Ashley. He should have known. He should have seen it. He should have helped her. How could he a good boyfriend, fiancé or even husband when he didn’t see that his own girlfriend was starving herself?”  
“What happened?” I whispered, not feeling like speaking out any louder.  
“Denise staid in the hospital for a little while, until she could home. She was not allowed to see Ashley again, she went home with her parents.”  
“But they fought it right? Like Romeo and Juliet? They saw each other, even though her parents didn’t allow it?” I asked curiously.  
“No, Emma.. She…” CC trailed off, not knowing where to look.  
“She died,” Andy finished his sentence. Andy’s blue eyes were looking right at mine right now.  
“How?” I whispered, before swallowing.   
“Almost a week after her parents took her home. Apparently she starved herself to death. She just walked away. They had been looking for her for a few days, when they found her body,” CC explained.  
“How did Ashley react to her death?” I asked slowly.  
“I guess you aren’t the only person in your family who has been depressed,” Andy mumbled, looking at me.  
I didn’t know. How could I not have noticed that my own brother had been through all this?  
“Emma?” CC asked.  
I looked up at him, seeing him and Andy staring at me.  
“Promise us that you are not starving yourself?” CC asked shyly.  
My gaze dropped to my lap again. Promising that would feel like lying, although I wasn’t starving myself. I was just eating a little less.  
“Emma?” I felt two fingers under my chin, lifting up my face to look straight into Andy’s eyes.  
“I promise.”   
“Pinky promise?” CC asked, before holding out his pink. Andy chuckled before doing the same himself.  
I hooked my pink around their pinks.  
“Pinky promise.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Emma, do us one more favour?” CC asked, while unhooking our pinks.  
“Make your brother happy and eat one more slice of pizza,” Andy explained.  
One more slice of pizza. That would be okay, right? I’ll just sport a little harder or eat a little less at football training tomorrow. I nodded slightly.   
“That’s our girl. Now get out of your bed and get your ass downstairs. I think we are watching a movie tonight.” CC jumped off the bed before holding out his hand.   
“I am very capable of getting out of my bed on my own, mister Coma,” I mumbled before doing it myself.  
“Yeah, I know, but that’s half as much fun,” he laughed. Before I could even blink, I felt my legs being lifted of the ground. Half a second later, I looked at Andy who was upside down now. I was hanging over CC’s shoulder, hitting his back in an attempt to free myself.  
“Andy help!” I yelled before CC ran out of the room with me. I only saw Andy chuckle slightly before he got up himself and calmly walked behind us.  
CC ran down the stairs with me like he did it every day. I looked at my brother from the position I was hanging in.   
“Ashley, I think CC is going to rape me!” I yelled. I saw Ashley, Jake and Jinxx staring at us from the couch with wide eyes.  
It apparently took Ashley a moment before he realized what was happening, because he relaxed against the backside of the couch. He looked at the list of movies on the television again, before mumbling “Use protection. I’m not ready for mini CC’s or Emma’s.”  
Thanks brother.   
CC, thank god, put me down when we were downstairs.   
I felt a hand on my back, pushing me softly in the direction of the kitchen. I obeyed the hand, only looking back when we were in the kitchen already to see who it was.  
“What slice of pizza do you want? There is still some Margarita and Quattro Formaggio left,” Andy asked while reaching up to grab a plate form the cupboard.  
It both sounded so cheesy. So many calories. I’ll just go with the most simple one then.  
“Margarita,” I quietly mumbled. I looked at him while he cut a piece for me and put it in the microwave, before handing me the plate and walking out of the kitchen again.   
“Andy?” I quickly said when he was in the doorway.  
He turned around, looking at me with a raised eyebrow.  
“I’m sorry for punching you.” I saw confusion in his eyes at first, before realization hit him. He chuckled a bit, before smiling at me.  
“It’s okay, Emma,” he laughed, before adding “but just for one time!” He turned around again and walked out of the kitchen. I walked behind him with my plate with the hot slice of pizza in my hands.  
I walked into the living room, seeing an empty spot next to my brother. I walked over, before slumping down on the couch.  
I saw Ashley staring surprised at my new slice of pizza, but we both decided not to say anything about it. I pulled my legs up, cuddling into Ashley’s chest before eating my slice of pizza. I felt him press a kiss on the top of my head.  
“I love you,” he whispered. I smiled a bit, before saying it back.  
“What movie are we watching?” I asked out loud between two bites of my pizza.   
“I don’t know the name anymore, but I’m sure you’ll like it!” Jinxx enthusiastically exclaimed.  
“Yeah sure, as long it’s not some horror movie,” I laughed.   
\------------  
“Is it over?” I quietly asked, talking into Ashley’s chest.   
“Yeah Emma, you can look again,” I heard one of the guys mumble.  
I slowly turned around, my muscles stiff from crawling into Ashley’s chest for almost the whole movie.  
A hand on my shoulder was enough to make me scream out at the top of my lungs.  
“Woah Emma relax, I just wanted to ask if you wanted something else to drink.” When I looked up, I saw CC laughing at me, standing with a few empty glasses in his hand. I shook my head at him before staring in front of me again.  
“I’m not sleeping tonight. Next time we’re watching Frozen,” I stated.  
“You can sleep in my bed tonight,” Ashley assured me, before putting his arm around my shoulder.  
“Or mine.” I looked up to see Andy wiggling his eyebrows at me, a huge grin spread across his face.  
“I would go for Ashley,” Jinxx and Jake said at the same time. I laughed out loud before nodding.


	10. Chapter 10

I slowly opened my eyes, immediately shutting them again when the light reached them. A loud groan escaped my mouth.  
“So charming,” Ashley mumbled sleepily next to me. I felt his arm around my waste. If I didn’t know better, I would have said that we were a married couple.  
“Thanks,” I replied before releasing myself from his arms, getting out of the bed. I walked to my own room and grabbed some clothes, before walking over to the bathroom to have a quick shower.  
My eyes scanned of my naked body in the mirror, stopping at the old scars on my thighs. They reminded me of the old days at home, when I was severely bullied. I could still feel the mud in my mouth, after being pushed down for the one millionth time. I can still feel my ribs hurting from the kicks I received. The way I would sit all alone in the canteen, silently eating my lunch and wishing I could just disappear. I sighed deeply before removing my gaze from the mirror and turning on the shower.  
I only had been standing there for a few minutes, quietly singing Shinedown, before the door suddenly opened.   
It must have been the adrenaline from the horror movie still pumping through my veins, because you could say that I screamed out pretty loud.  
I looked at the doorway, seeing Andy standing in only some sweatpants. He just stood there, staring at me with wide eyes. I had covered up my body with the shower curtain, trying to hide my private places.  
I saw his eyes scanning my body for a moment though, not knowing how to react to the situation. His gaze stopped at my thighs. I looked down at them as well, realizing I had not succeeded at covering them up. I grabbed the shower curtain a little tighter and put it in front of my thighs as well.  
“Andy, what the fuck are you staring at?” I snapped. He seemed to go get back from his thoughts at this comment.  
“N-nothing, I just… I didn’t know you were here. I’m sorry,” he mumbled before getting out of the bathroom. He looked like he just woke up. With a little bit of luck, he wouldn’t have been able to think clearly and wouldn’t have noticed my scars. At least, I hope so.  
\---------------  
I skipped breakfast that morning, since I ate an extra slice of pizza the day before. When my brother asked me if I wanted to eat some breakfast together, I just told him that I ate already. He looked at me sceptically, before dropping the subject. I guess he didn’t feel like fighting again.   
Football training didn’t go that well either that day. The girls in my team were clearly more fit than me, and they seemed to have a better condition. I don’t know why, but no one would speak to me anymore at lunch. After the first few trainings I thought I had actually build up some kind of friendship with Claire, but apparently that was only temporarily.   
I would sit at the end of the table at lunch, quietly eating one or two sandwiches before throwing away the rest of them. The other girls would stare at me and whisper, probably talking about the amount of food I was eating. When we had to do things in pairs during training, the coach had to pick someone to train with me. No one would come over to me, and they would even try to do it with a group of three, while I was standing there alone. The worst part was when I went into the dressing room at the end of the day. I was a bit later than the rest of the girls, since I had to ask the coach something.  
Everything that had once been on the inside of my bag, was now spread out across the room. The other girls had left already. I grabbed my clothes from the different places and changed into them, before getting everything else and putting it in my bag. My phone was lying next to the toilet, the screen being all cracked and wet. It was just like high school again. They would steal, break and hide my stuff when they got the chance. I swallowed back the lump in my throat, trying to hold back the tears that were burning in my eyes.  
When I walked outside towards the parking lot, I didn’t see my brother waiting for me. Instead of Ashley, I saw Andy patiently waiting in his car. His eyes met mine when I walked towards his car. What was Andy doing here? Was something wrong with Ashley?  
I stepped into the car, on the seat next to the driver’s seat.   
“Hey,” he casually said before starting the car.  
“What are you doing here? Is something wrong with Ash-“  
“Nothing is wrong with Ashley, he had something to do and couldn’t make it on time here,” he cut me off.  
“Well okay,” I mumbled before fastening my seatbelt.  
“Why did you do it?” Andy asked, keeping his eyes on the road.  
“Why did I do what?”  
“Cut yourself.”  
I didn’t feel like talking about it. I didn’t feel like talking about anything at all. I felt like shit. I felt like garbage. I hated this football club. I hated everything.   
“Emma,” Andy said when I didn’t answer.  
“You wouldn’t understand,” I mumble, blinking the tears back again.  
“Maybe I would,” he said, before glancing over to me. His eyes dropped to the broken phone in my lap.  
“What happened to your phone?” He asked while looking at the road again.   
It pushed me over the edge. I didn’t know why, but that simple question made me burst into tears.  
“Oh shit,” I heard Andy mumble. A moment later, he had stopped the car on the side of the road.   
He just said there awkwardly, staring at me. Probably doubting if he should rub my back.  
“Did something happen at your training?” he quietly asked. I just shook my head in between two sobs. I didn’t want to bother him or any of the other guys with my silly problems.  
“You can tell me anything, you know that right?”   
I looked him in the eyes before quietly saying yes.  
The worst part was that I seriously felt the need to smoke a cigarette now. It used to make me feel more relaxed when I was still in high school. I wouldn’t worry as much.  
I looked over to the back of the car, seeing a pack of cigarettes lying there. Andy followed my gaze.  
“Emma, your brother-“  
“Andy, can I please smoke one?” I cut him off. I tried to dry my tears with the sleeve of my sweater. He looked at me doubtfully.  
“I can’t let you. Your brother would kill me,” he answered.  
“Andy,” my voice broke when I said his name.  
“Okay,” he mumbled before grabbing the cigarettes and handing me one.   
I climbed out of the car after he told me that it was a one-time thing. Apparently, he couldn’t handle crying girls. I put the cigarette between my lips, using the lighter and lighted it up. I felt a wave of pure relaxation go through my body, making me feel okay for the first time that day. Thanks Andy.


	11. Chapter 11

We stayed silent for the rest of the drive home. Andy was paying attention to the road, and I was paying attention to my thoughts.  
“Are you coming?” Andy asked after a while. When I looked up, I noticed that we were at the house already. I nodded before unfastening my seatbelt and climbing out of the car.   
I patiently waited for Andy to open the door, before slipping past him and running up the stairs. Like I said before, I didn’t feel like talking today. So I wouldn’t.  
I dropped my bag on the floor of my room before dropping myself on the bed, face first into the pillow. I let out a deep sigh, before closing my eyes in an attempt to just sleep through the rest of the day.  
My moment of rest was interrupted when I heard someone knock on the door. I made a sound that didn’t sound very human like into my pillow. I heard the door creaking a bit, so I guess the person who knocked interpreted the sound as a ‘yes, come in please’.  
The matrass moved a bit, someone sat down beside me apparently. I felt a hand rubbing my back.  
“Are you okay?” I heard my brother’s voice ask quietly.  
“I’m fine,” I mumbled into the pillow.  
“Did something happen at training today?”  
“Ash, I told you I’m fine.”  
“You don’t look fine.”  
“Okay, I’m not fine. But I don’t want to talk about it, alright?” I snapped while looking up from my pillow. I could tell that I hurt his feelings by looking him in the eyes.  
“Ashley, I’m sorry. Just, not today, okay?” I mumbled.   
“Okay,” he mumbled before nodding.   
“Is there anything else?” I asked when he didn’t leave.  
“Me and the guys have band meeting tonight. So you will be alone for the rest of the day.”  
“Do you even trust me enough to leave me alone?” I asked, raising one eyebrow.  
“I do, actually,” he smiled at me. I tried to give him a smile back, but the corners of my mouth just didn’t feel like doing that today.  
“Emma, if you’d rather be watching television with me all night or just lay on the couch together, I will tell the others that I have more important things to do.”  
“No you can go, I will be fine,” I assured him. He gave me a small smile.  
“There is food in the refrigerator that you can use to cook. If you need anything or if you have any questions, just call me or Andy, okay?” I nodded before dropping my face into my pillow again.  
I felt the matrass moving again, so I guess he stood up. I felt his hand rubbing my back one more time, before he said his goodbyes. I groaned into my pillow as a goodbye. I heard him chuckle before the door was closed again.  
\--------------  
I had been lying on the couch for a few hours now. Being home alone wasn’t that bad at all. Ashley had told me that there was food in the kitchen for me to cook, but I didn’t feel like eating tonight at all. I had had a few sandwiches for lunch, so that should be enough for today. The only effort I took to move was when I felt like watching television, so I had walked downstairs and had installed myself on the couch with a pillow and a small blanket.  
I stared at the television, not actually having an idea what they were talking about. My head was full of my thoughts. When I thought about going to training again tomorrow, I got this weird feeling in my stomach. I really liked playing football, but I didn’t think I liked the team. They would hurt me. Not physically, but emotionally. You could say that it was better than high school then, but it almost felt the same. Maybe because I thought that life would get better when you graduated.   
For most people, it did, apparently. But for me it didn’t. Maybe I sucked at life even harder than I thought.   
I sighed. I felt like sleeping, but I didn’t feel like waking up tomorrow, since that would mean another day of torture. I closed my eyes anyways, in an attempt to get some rest before actually sleeping.  
It only felt like a moment later when I heard the front door opening, but it must have been hours. I carefully opened my eyes. I looked at the window to see that it was now pitch dark outside, instead of the sunset.  
I heard some voices, talking and laughing pretty loud. I think they noticed me lying on the couch, still half sleeping, because they started talking quietly now.  
“Is she asleep?” I heard one of them whisper. I looked up to see both Ashley and Andy staring at me.  
“Nah, I’m awake,” I mumbled.  
Ashley hang up his coat before walking over to me. I saw Andy walking over to the kitchen at the same time. Ashley sat down on the other couch, patting my leg.  
“How was your evening?” he asked.  
“Sleepy,” I chuckled.  
“How is it possible that all the food is still in the refrigerator?” I heard Andy ask from the kitchen. Oh shit. If they would find out that I didn’t have dinner, Ashley would definitely put up a fight again. My thoughts were going fast, trying to find a good excuse.  
Ashley’s head snapped up, looking me straight in the eyes. I looked back at them, seeing a hint of worry in them. He looked at me, and I knew he was silently begging me that I ate dinner.  
“I ordered a pizza,” I lied.   
“So where is the pizza box?” Andy asked while walking out of the kitchen.  
“In the container outside.”  
“Did you eat the whole pizza?” Ashley asked, looking at me sceptically.  
“No, but I didn’t think you guys would want any so I threw it away.”  
“Well, okay…” Ashley mumbled, before looking at his lap.  
“You can go and look in the container if you would like,” I said, hoping that they would believe me without checking.  
“No, it’s fine,” Andy said before walking into the kitchen again. I had this feeling that they did not believe me at all, but they dropped the subject.  
“So how was your band meeting?” I asked.  
“Yeah, we have to talk about that-“ Ashley started, but Andy cut him off.  
“We’ll be going on tour soon. So I guess you have to get used to being on your own here,” Andy stated, being very direct about the subject.  
“Will you be okay?” Ashley asked me seriously, looking me straight in the eyes.  
“Yeah, sure,” I lied. I didn’t feel okay this one evening alone. How would I make it through a longer period of time like this?


	12. Chapter 12

“I don’t want you to go,” I mumbled. I looked at mine and Ashley’s intertwined hands. I played with his fingers while chewing my lip. It had been a month since Ashley and Andy had told me that they were leaving for tour.  
Training didn’t get much better. It’s not that I didn’t like playing football, it were my team mates that made me feel sick. They didn’t touch my stuff anymore since the day they broke my phone, but they still treated me like shit. I would always sit alone at lunch, would run alone while warming up and I was always the last one in the dressing room. They would always turn off the lights the moment they left, like I didn’t even exist.   
I hadn’t told Ashley, Andy or any of the other guys about the behaviour of my team mates. I really didn’t feel like bothering them with my problems, while they had a tour to focus on. Things at home had been pretty okay though. I would eat a normal portion when we were eating together. Little did they know that I barely ate anything when they didn’t look. The amount of food I ate when I was with them should be enough for a day.   
Me and Ashley had been okay. I tried my best to eat enough when he was around, since the day that Andy and CC had told me about Denise. And I knew he tried to keep his mouth shut if he didn’t agree with the amount of food I was eating.   
Me and Andy had actually developed some kind of friendship, even though you wouldn’t have expected it. He would pick me up from training from time to time, or we would go out and do some grocery shopping together. It’s not like we were besties now. We were just okay with being in each other’s presence.   
“We will be back before you know it,” Ashley answered, looking up from our hands into my eyes. We were sitting on the couch, with some television show playing in the back ground.   
“Two months, Ash.”  
“I know..” he mumbled.  
“You could always come on tour with us if you miss us too much,” Andy said while chewing on a mouth full of crisps. He walked in from the kitchen with snacks and drinks for all of us. With a loud sigh, he sat down on my other side on the couch.  
He held out the bowl of crisps in front of me, but I politely refused. That I ate normal amounts of food in their presence didn’t mean I would eat unhealthy food like that. Ashley, however, leaned over me to grab a handful.  
“You know I can’t Andy, I have to go to training for football,” I said.  
“Oh yeah, sorry. When is your first match? We want to come over and watch you play,” he said before grabbing another handful of crisps.   
“I don’t know, in a few weeks I guess. I will send you a postcard with the details,” I laughed. He gave me a smirk before looking at the television screen.   
“So, what are we watching?” He asked.  
“Frozen!” I exclaimed happily.  
I heard Andy and Ashley sigh in response. I playfully slapped them both on the arm, before turning the movie on.  
\---------  
I woke up the next morning to a soft humming. I slowly opened one of my eyes, seeing someone walking through my room.  
“Ashley, what the fuck are you doing?” I groaned.  
“Grabbing some of your eyeliner. I’m almost run out and I seriously need to have some on tour,” he explained.  
“Ugh fine. At what time are you leaving?” I mumbled sleepily.  
“In about twenty minutes. If you want to say goodbye to the rest of the guys, you’ll have to get out of your bed soon.”  
I groaned one more time before forcing my body up and stumbling out of my bed. I put on some decent clothes and calmed my bed hair, before splashing some water in my face to make sure I looked awake.   
When I walked downstairs, I saw all of the band members sitting on the couch, some with a cup of tea or coffee. They all had a suitcase standing in front of them. I smiled at the guys before grabbing my own cup of tea and sitting down with them.  
“Hey little one, are you ready to say goodbye to your housemates?” CC joked. I smiled at him before nodding and sipping my tea. Just pretend that you are okay, Emma, then everything will be alright.  
We talked a bit about who would have bunks next to each other and who would stink the most this tour, before we heard a honking sound.  
“That would be the bus..” Jinxx said.  
I swallowed back the lump in my throat when they all got up and got ready to leave. CC was the first to wrap his arms around me.   
“See you soon, Em,” he said before I felt his lips kissing my head.   
“Bye CC.”   
Andy came over to me next, giving me a tight hug before rubbing my bag.  
“I’m not saying that I will miss you, but it will feel empty without you,” he winked. I just laughed at him before hugging Jinxx and Jake as well, mumbling our goodbyes and ‘I will miss you’s’.   
Last but not least was Ashley. He opened his arms for a hug and I ran right into them. I didn’t feel like ever letting go. Even though we had had a rough start here, I had grown to love him more and more in a brotherly way again. He loosened his grip before placing a kiss on my cheek, and I returned the favour.  
“We will skype every day, Emma. And I put all the guy’s their numbers in your phone. If there is anything wrong or if you’re scared or sad, you can call us, okay?” He said before looking me straight in the eyes. I nodded before biting my lip.  
Don’t cry Emma, it’s only for two months. Come on pussy. I pushed back the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat, before walking towards the front door with the rest of the guys.  
They got into their tour bus, which was pretty cool by the way. Their logo was printed enormously on both sides of the bus. The motor started and the bus slowly started to drive. I kept on waving until the bus was out of sight, although I had no idea if the guys could see me all that time.


	13. Chapter 13

I looked at the empty football field once again before walking over to the dressing room. I would rather sit there all day and stare at the empty field than go into the dressing room again. Just sit, breathe, and let your thoughts take over your world, that is what I felt like doing right at that moment.  
But I was home alone now, so I had to go home, cook and take care of myself. It had been a week since the guys left. I think I kind of got used to it already. I mean, it feels empty, but I had to go training almost every day of the week so I was too busy to really think about it. We had skyped every day though, so it didn’t feel like I hadn’t seen them for a week.  
I grabbed my towel from the side of the field before slowly walking over to the dressing room. The other girls would always be gone when I finally came into the dressing room, but not today. I tried to ignore them, just like they always did to me. I wouldn’t let these bitches get to me. Not like they did on high school.   
I walked towards my bag and started to change into my daily clothes, before I heard Claire speak up.  
“Iewl, what’s so stinky?” she moaned in a way too high pitched voice.  
Just ignore her. They will leave in a minute.  
“Well, it’s not us, obviously, since we just took a shower,” one of the other girls, called Jasey, said.   
“Is it you, Emma?” Claire spoke again.  
Don’t say anything Emma. Just put on your clothes and leave. They will leave you alone as well.  
I felt a hand pulling on my upper arm.  
“Emma, I’m talking to you.”  
I tried to ignore her, but I couldn’t ignore the pain in my arm anymore. I turned around, before looking her in the eyes.  
“Stop it, you’re hurting me,” I hissed.   
“Awh, are we hurting you?” Claire cooed.  
“Yeah,” I mumbled before looking down at my bag again.  
“Well, you’re hurting us with your smell. Girls, I think it is time someone takes a shower.” I felt the pressure on my upper arm increase, and I was forced to turn around again.  
I didn’t know what was happening exactly, but I knew that it hurt as hell. I felt someone pulling my hair, dragging me towards the showers.   
“Let me go, bitch!” I yelled. I tried to hit her but I missed. I had no chance against these girls, and I knew it.  
I was thrown on the ground of the showers like I was filth. I tried to get up but I was pushed down immediately again. The cold feeling that suddenly washed over me told me that they turned on one of the showers. My clothes soon were clutched against my body, soaking wet.   
I tried to get up one more time to give Claire what she deserved, but I slipped on the wet floor. My hip hit the floor pretty hard, and I winced in pain. I heard some laughter before I heard the door close and the lights were turned off.   
\----------  
I stared at the food on my plate. I really didn’t feel like eating today. Every time the girls from my team bullied me, I became more self-conscious of my body. Why did they pick on me, and not on the others? What didn’t I have that they did have? Or the other way around? What did I have what they didn’t have?  
And I already knew the answer. Fat. Body fat. A belly. I just kept on eating all this time, not even realizing I was just putting on weight.   
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of me being called on skype. I got up from the chair I was sitting on, throwing away the amount of food that was still on it. I didn’t feel like eating today anyways. I walked over to the couch and grabbed my laptop from it. I quickly wiped away the two tears that ran down my cheek with the sleeve of my oversized sweater. I clicked the answer button of skype.  
It took a few seconds before I saw the inside of the tour bus appearing on my screen. At first I only saw Ashley waving at me, but CC and Jake joined soon enough.  
I enthusiastically waved back at them.   
“Heya, how is our little sister doing?” CC yelled.  
“CC, you don’t have to yell-“ Jake started but he was cut off by Ashley.  
“Are you trying to steal my sister?” He laughed.  
“Are we trying to steal someone? Isn’t that called kidnapping?” Another voice joined in, and a moment later I saw Andy join the guys on the couch as well.   
“Guys..” I groaned.  
“Emma,” they all said at the same time, mocking me. I just flipped them off before they all started laughing. I gave them a small smile back, forcing the corners of my mouth up.  
“How is tour?” I asked after everyone was done laughing.  
“Great! But there is an Emma formed gap though,” Ashley said, before pointing at a random spot in the air. I chuckled slightly before rearranging my legs under my body. I slightly winced when I felt the same sharp pain in my hip again.   
Andy apparently got bored, since I saw him get out his phone and stare at it. I kind of got it though. It must be boring to skype with the little sister of your brother almost every day when you could be making out with some random pretty girl on tour.   
“Same here. Well, not an Emma formed gap but it’s so empty,” I said.  
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I took it out and laid it down next to me on the couch. I raised my eyebrows when I saw who had sent me a text message.  
Andy: Are you in pain?  
I looked at the skype screen again and listened to my brother talking about how awesome touring was and that I had to come along next time.  
I nodded at him, still listening to his voice before typing a message back to Andy.  
Me: No.  
I looked at the screen again to see all the guys chat and talk enthusiastically to me, but Andy stared intensely in the camera before looking at his phone again.  
Andy: Don’t lie to me.   
Me: Am not.  
Andy: I can see that you have been crying.  
Me: Not true.  
Andy: Emma, please. Did something happen at training?  
Me: No, training was great! I love the girls. We had a great time.  
Andy: Do you even believe yourself?  
Me: Yes.  
Andy: Come on. I am only trying to help you!  
Me: I told you, I am fine. I don’t need your help!  
Andy: Okay, sorry for trying to care.  
I looked at the screen again to see Andy get up from the couch and walk away, knocking a glass of water over in the process.   
“Woah, what’s up with him all of a sudden?” Jake asked. I saw Ashley raising his eyebrows at Andy before looking into the webcam again.  
“Nobody knows now, do they?” I said, sounding quite irritated now. I just couldn’t stand that he kept pushing me into telling what was going on. Why did he even pretend to care? He wouldn’t care in the end anyway.  
I rearranged my legs again, and once again winced when I felt the pain.  
“Are you okay Emma?” I heard CC ask.  
“YES, I am fine. Stop pretending I am not!” I snapped before getting up and turning of my laptop.   
God, I didn’t know one guy could ruin my mood just like that.


	14. Chapter 1

I stared at the yellow leaves, falling of the trees. The cold wind blowing through my pinch black hair. I feel a shiver going down my spine. I hate the winter. And it isn’t even close to winter yet. It is the beginning of august, and my life is about to end.  
‘Emma, honey?’ My mother rings through the fresh air. I stare at my feet, trying to do anything but react to her.  
‘Emma? Emma I know you can hear me!’ A hand on my shoulder makes me turn around. She is standing right in front of me. The woman I used to call mother. Before she decided that it would be better for me to leave this town for a while. Apparently, I had chosen the wrong friends. I’m young and want to live a little, but if I even think about smoking a cigarette, I’m grounded. I used to play around a lot with my brother when I was younger, but he moved away a few years ago. Something with starting in a rock band. Yeah right, like that was going to work out. When he moved, it felt like a bit of my heart was removed as well. We used to do everything together. Go to school together, play outside with him, do grocery shopping for our parents, you name it. But I wasn’t as important for him anymore when he got the chance to become famous. I had no real friends, besides him, when I was younger. I was severely bullied at high school for the first few years, but when everyone was getting older it eventually got better. The people who bullied me apologized for their behaviour and even became my friends. When I finally felt like I was worth something, my parents had to ruin it. My friends had a bad influence on me, their words, not mine. So now I am moving to Los Angeles as well, moving in with my brother to be exact. He would keep an eye on me, while I would restart my life. I would train with a professional soccer club there, since I want to become a professional soccer player.   
‘Emma! Come back out of your own little world and take over the damn phone. Your brother is calling you,’ my mother looked at me with a look of despair. I took over the phone and put it against my ear.  
‘Hey Ash.’  
‘Hey sis, how are you doing?’   
‘Great.’  
‘Listen, Emma. I won’t be able to be at the airport on time. Is it okay for you to wait outside for 10 minutes?’ He said, going straight to the point. I wasn’t a very talkative person.  
‘Yeah sure, you left me for some years so ten minutes won’t do any harm. Bye Ash,’ I mumbled before hanging up. I looked at the taxi pulling up in front of my house, ready to bring me to the airport. My parents were standing in front of the kitchen window, laughing and waving at me. I want to fucking punch the fake smiles of their faces. I looked at them one more time before taking my luggage with me and getting in the taxi. I didn’t feel like greeting the taxi chauffeur, so I didn’t. He started to drive away, and I looked at the town I grew up in while driving to the airport.   
Goodbye good old life.  
Hello hell.


	15. Chapter 15

I was laying on the couch, rolled up in my warm blanket. I felt one single tear rolling down my cheek, wetting the blanket when it fell of my face.   
I heard people talking. They had deep voices, so I guess they were men. But I didn’t recognize any of them. It didn’t even sound like they were speaking English. They were just saying random words to each other. But I understood one thing that they said.  
“Emma…”   
“Emma..”  
Someone grabbed my blanket, trying to pull it off me.  
“Emma!”  
It was Andy.  
He pulled of the blanket. I tried to stop him but I wasn’t fast enough.  
He looked straight into my eyes, before wiping away a tear from my cheek with his thumb.  
“Emma, let me help you..” He mumbled.  
I tried to speak back but there was no sound coming from throat.  
“You wouldn’t understand,” I whispered, so quietly that I was the only one who could hear it.   
I pulled back my blanket, rolling myself into it so that I was facing my pillow once again.   
“Emma..”   
“Emma.. Emma! Emma wake up!” It wasn’t Andy’s voice this time, but Ashley’s.  
I felt a hand on my shoulder again, but this time I opened my eyes and looked straight into Ashley’s. I silently screamed, not being able to make a lot of noise since my throat was sore.  
I tried to crawl away, not knowing what was happening. My brother was on tour, right? Was this another dream? What was happening? I hit my head in the process, and my wrist started hurting like hell.   
My eyes scanned my surroundings, and I noticed that I was sitting on the ground of the living room of Ashley’s house.  
“Calm down, Em.. It’s only me,” he whispered before holding his hands up.   
“What are you doing here?” my voice croaked. I grabbed my wrist with my other hand, wincing at the pain.  
“I came back to check if you were okay. Why didn’t you pick up your phone?” He spoke before taking my wrist in his hands, looking at it. My head started throbbing.  
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” I silently asked, before moaning because of my head ache.  
“Maybe you should look at your phone if you want answers,” he stated before standing up and walking into the kitchen. He came back a moment later with a glass of water and handed it to me.   
I saw my phone, still with the cracked screen, laying on the ground next to me. I put down the glass of water and picked up my phone.  
You have 23 missed calls.  
5 unread messages from Andy.  
3 unread messages from Ashley.  
4 unread messages from Jinxx.  
“Wow, what did I do?” I whispered.  
“Read your conversation with Andy.”  
I opened the conversation, scrolling up until the last message that I did remember.  
Me: Amdy donn’t tenjwn Ashek  
Andy: What are you talking about?  
Me: You canjt tel Ashe what hapendfr but it;s hurts.  
Andy: Are you drunk?  
Me: Noe I dont thik zo. Jus dnot tel Ash.  
Me: Youew have to help me. It hrut sooo mutcs.  
Andy: What happened? Are you okay?  
Me: No it hrtus! Don’t tel ash.  
Andy: Tell me what happened.  
Me: I can’t tis a segret. Helep plz.  
Andy: Why aren’t you picking up your phone? You have to tell us what happened!  
Me: No I cannt. I’m not okay. I’m thrweing up.  
That’s the end. That’s everything. So I asked Andy to not tell Ashley, and here Ashley was, sitting in front of me.  
“How did you get here?” I asked, avoiding his gaze.  
“I flew back when Andy showed me the messages you send him. You didn’t pick up your phone.”  
“Ashley I can take care of myself. You don’t have to fly across half of the country whenever I send weird messages,” I mumbled, taking a sip of the water.   
“Emma, look me in the eyes.” I looked up and stared straight into his eyes.  
“You were drunk and you were hurt. I didn’t know what was happening to you. You could have been stabbed. For all I know, you could have been dying. When I saw the messages, I wanted to come check on you. I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I care about you.” He pressed his forehead lightly against mine. I closed my eyes and sighed.  
“Aren’t you mad at me for drinking again?” I cautiously asked.  
“Emma, I’m fucking pissed. But not now. Right now we need to take care of your wrist.” He stood up and held out his hand to help me up. I grabbed his hand with my good arm and stood up as well.  
“You need to go back to your tour. Your fans need you,” I mumbled.  
“First, we are going to the doctors and probably to the hospital to let them take a look at your wrist. After that, we are coming back here. We will pack some clothes and other essential things for you. Then we fly back together to finish the tour.”  
“What?”   
“You can’t train when you broke your wrist or something like that. And you are not responsible enough to stay here on your own apparently, so you are coming along on tour.”  
I nodded slightly before walking after him to go to the doctors. I swallowed. I had been living on my own for the last few weeks. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I could decide whether I wanted to eat or not and how much I would eat. Would I be able to continue doing that while I was on tour with five guys who would continually watch me?


	16. Chapter 16

Me and Ashley went to the hospital that same afternoon, to find out that I had actually broken my wrist. I just got a white cast, since the other colours were too bright and cheerful for my liking.   
After the hospital visit, we went home and Ashley helped me pack my stuff. He had called my football club and explained that I couldn’t train for a while, since I broke my wrist.   
We left the next day to the airport, and right now we were about to enter the tour bus. Normally, I would be excited to see the guys again. But I really didn’t feel like it right now. I had to join them on tour because I couldn’t take care of myself. I couldn’t even be alone for two months, before fucking things up for myself. And now they had to babysit me, once again.   
I walked into the bus as soon as the door was opened from the inside. I kept my head down, avoiding their gazes as I walked through the bus in the direction of the bunks. I heard a few “hey’s” but I really didn’t feel like talking. So I didn’t talk. I looked at my feet while walking past the guys.  
I picked a random bunk to climb into so that I could lay down. I had no idea in which bunk I would have to sleep for the rest of the tour, but this one seemed nice. I got into it and closed the curtain right after, getting my phone out of my pocket and plugging my ear buds in. I laid my head down on the soft cotton pillow, closing my eyes and listening to the lyrics from Five Finger Death Punch.   
I could lay here all day, just by myself. I didn’t feel like having to explain myself. I didn’t feel like telling my brother and his friends why the last hope I got was to drink some alcohol to maybe feel a bit better. I just wanted them to forget that I was even there. I would try to not bother them during tour. I would let them do their things and they would let me do my things.  
\---------  
A hand on my shoulder made me stir. I groaned before slowly opening my eyes and turning around. I looked into CC’s eyes.  
“Hey..” he mumbled quietly. I looked at him before turning around again, trying to regain my sleep. The throbbing pain in my wrist kept me awake though.  
“Why are you in my bunk?” He asked. I just shrugged, while facing the wall in front of me.  
“Can I write on your cast?” I turned around again, looking him in the eyes before I saw the permanent marker in his hand. He was prepared for this shit. I forced the corners of my mouth up before holding out my hurt wrist.  
“Does this hurt?” he mumbled while writing down something I couldn’t read.   
“It hurts all the time.”   
He smiled slightly at me before closing the permanent marker once again. I looked down at my wrist.  
Get well soon, little sis! Don’t tell Ashley that I called you little sis. Oh shit, why can’t I erase this permanent marker. This is awkward. Anyways, I hope that the pain will get less soon and that you will be able to party just as hard as we did before tour. Love you lots. Xxx your favourite drummer.  
“Jesus CC, you had to leave space for the other guys as well,” I chuckled. He laughed before ruffling my hair.   
I looked up when the curtain was opened a little bit more, and Ashley’s face appeared.  
“Can we talk?” he asked. I nodded before getting ready to climb out of the bunk. CC got out of the way, walking towards the back of the bus where the other guys were as well I guess.  
Ashley lifted me out of the bunk, since I couldn’t use both arms to successfully climb down.   
“Thank you,” I mumbled when he put both my legs on the ground again. He smiled at me before walking towards the front of the bus, where the mini kitchen and a table were.  
“Do you want something to eat? Or drink? Coffee?” He asked while walking around in the mini kitchen.  
“Tea, please.” He nodded before he started making tea for me.  
I sat down at the dinner table, awkwardly playing with my few fingers that were sticking out of the cast. I looked up when Andy sat down in front of me.  
“What are you doing?” I snapped while looking him in the eyes.  
“Well, Emma, since you send Andy some drunk messages, I think you owe him the whole story as well,” Ashley said before sitting down beside Andy. I wanted to protest but Andy cut me off.  
“Don’t worry, it’s just us. None of the other guys have to know,” Andy assured. I nodded slowly before sipping my tea. I guess I would have to tell them the truth now.


	17. Chapter 17

“So, what happened?” Ashley started.  
“Well… I obviously had a little bit too much to drink-“  
“Emma why did you do that, you know-“ Ashley cut me off, but he was once again cut off by Andy.  
“Let her talk.”  
“So I was a bit drunk and I really didn’t mean to, it just happened. And my team mate started harassing me and I wanted to leave.. but I think the alcohol took control of my body so I fought back,” I said, “I actually fought back for once,” I quietly mumble to myself.  
“What did you say?” Ashley looked up at that, furrowing his eyebrows. “For once?”  
I chewed on my lip, looking down at my tea.  
“Emma, why did you say that?” Ashley continued, but I didn’t have the guts to look him in the eyes.   
“Emma, I want you to look at me.” I felt two fingers under my chin, lifting my face up so that I looked Ashley in the eyes.  
“Did someone hurt you?” He asked. I nodded while chewing on my lip, swallowing back the lump in my throat. I looked at my tea again.  
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Andy spoke up.   
“I didn’t want to bother you,” I said while shrugging and sipping my tea, “you have more important things to think about than my silly problems.”  
“Emma, come on. Someone hurting you is NOT a silly problem. So instead of going to your brother you start drinking?!” Ashley said, raising his voice.  
“It’s not that simple, Ash. You wouldn’t understand.”  
“Well, explain it to me then.”  
“You don’t know how it feels to be put down every single day of your life, okay? You don’t how know it is to be bullied for your whole high school career. And people promised that the bullying would stop when high school was over. Well, not for me. So at one point you just accept that you don’t belong here. That you are an outcast, you are weird, ugly, fat, crazy. Everything but normal. So at one point you accept people putting you down,” I tried to hold back the burning tears in my eyes. One of them escaped, rolling over my cheek before others followed.  
“At one point you accept that you will never fit in. That you deserve to be treated like this,” my voice broke during the last sentence. I let out a quiet sob.   
“Emma, why would you say that? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I am your fucking brother! I am here to take care of you!” Ashley raised his voice.  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Ashley, I’m sorry okay. I didn’t know what to do,” I sobbed before sipping my tea. I immediately choked on my tea, going into a coughing fit.  
“Hey, hey, calm down. It’s okay. Take deep breaths,” Andy said before rubbing my arm. “Get her a glass of water,” he told Ashley. I looked up to see Ashley walk to the mini kitchen and get a glass for me.  
“Emma, listen to me. Whatever someone tells you. You do NOT deserve to be treated like that. Never. Do you understand?” Andy said, looking me in the eyes. I slightly nodded. I took over the glass of water that Ashley handed to me, before mumbling a quiet thank you.  
“What did they do to you?” Ashley carefully asked.  
“Well, it started with just ignoring me.. But I guess that wasn’t so much fun after a while anymore. They treated me like I didn’t exist. I avoided being in the dressing room with them, since I would have to interact with them. Or, in my case, feel like shit because they would ignore me. At one day, all my stuff was spread across the dressing room, my phone lay cracked on the ground next to the toilet.”  
“That was the day I picked you up for the first time, wasn’t it?” Andy asked. I nodded at him, before continuing.  
“Obviously, staring at me and ignoring me wasn’t that much fun in the end. So they started abusing me physically as well. The first time that happened, they pulled me into the shower by my hair. I tried to fight back, but slipped and hurt my hip. Something like that happened almost every day after. I guess you could say I didn’t really like training anymore…” My voice trailed off. I saw Ashley’s fists clench, his knuckles turning white.  
“Ash, it was like… like…” The tears were escaping my eyes quickly now, rolling down my cheek one by one.  
“Like what?” He quietly asked.  
“Like high school, all over again,” I mumbled before letting out a sob. Another one followed, and then another one. I started crying and sobbing uncontrollably, my hand with the glass of water in it shaking. I felt the glass being lifted out of my hand, before Andy put it down and grabbed my hand. He rubbed circles on the top of my hand, trying to calm me down. I would have to thank him for that later.  
I looked up to see Ashley standing up from his seat, before he slid into the seat next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder. I let my face crash into his chest, letting out the tears that I had been holding back for so long. “It’s okay, I’m here,” I heard him quietly mumble.  
I raised my face up from Ashley’s chest again, trying to wipe away the tears that were on my cheeks.  
“We had just won our first competition. And our coach invited us to go out for dinner. I didn’t want to go, obviously, but she convinced me. We started with one glass of wine, and then another. I actually felt kind of relaxed for once with them. I almost felt normal. So we went out to the club after that. And then this cute girl came in and at one point we were… you know… kissing-“  
“Wait, are you gay?” Andy cut me off.  
“Bi,” I heard Ashley answer for me quickly.  
“That’s when reality hit me again. I wasn’t normal. And my team mates made that pretty clear for me. They started beating me up. I have no idea what happened next. It’s just a gap in my memory. But I guess that was the moment that I broke my wrist and texted Andy. I’m sorry Andy,” I said.   
“It’s okay Emma. Thank you for opening up to us,” he assured me before squeezing my hand. I smiled slightly at him.   
“Please don’t be mad at me, Ash. I didn’t do it on purpose,” I said while looking up to Ashley.  
“I’m not mad anymore. As long as you tell us everything that is going on inside of that crazy little head of yours.” He ruffled my hair. I wrapped my arms around his waist one more time, hugging him from the side.  
“Hey, are you guys ready for a Lord Of The Rings marathon?” I heard someone enthusiastically yell from somewhere in the bus. I looked up to see CC standing at the entrance of the little ‘living room’.   
“Oh, am I interrupting something? Is everything okay?” He asked when saw us sitting like that.  
“Everything’s fine, CC. We are coming,” I chuckled before releasing myself from Ashley’s arms. He smiled at me before we got up and walked to the back of the bus, Andy following behind us.


	18. Chapter 18

“So Emma, tell us another funny story about little Ashley,” Jake chuckled between two bites of pasta. I had been on tour with the guys for a few days now. We would eat dinner together in the bus, after that they would head into the venue. Most of the time I would just watch them perform from the side of the stage.   
“I think we’ve had enough of th-“ Ashley started but I cut him off.  
“Well, there was this one time.. I think he was in his last year of primary school back then. He was dared to kick the football right past the head of their teacher. But – no offense Ash – he wasn’t that good at aiming, so he kicked the ball right into the crotch of the head teacher and-“  
“Enough!” Ashley laughed before he put his hand over my mouth. I put my tongue out, licking his hand before he pulled it back and looked at it with a frown.  
“The head teacher was really mad, and Ashley got detention. During detention, the teacher asked why Ashley aimed for his crotch. Ashley’s answer was: ‘I didn’t aim for your crotch, but I know that miss Jackson has been aiming for it all year. Maybe you should “talk” with her about it.’” I took another few bites of the pasta, enjoying the fresh taste in my mouth.  
“Woaah, Ashley is a bad boy huh,” Andy laughed before giving him a friendly slap on the shoulder.  
“What happened next?” Jinxx asked while looking at me with big eyes.  
“Well, let’s just say that the schoolyard looked very clean for the rest of the year, right Ash?” I chuckled. I heard Ashley mumble “hmmhmm” while looking at his food, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks. I took a few more bites while watching the guys make fun of Ashley.   
I looked down on my plate, to see that there was no food left at all. I didn’t pay attention to the food I was eating while talking about Ashley. I felt my heart beat fasten, the hand that was still holding my fork shaking a bit. I ate everything that was on my plate. Everything. And that was a lot of pasta, with greasy cheese. I put my fork down, trying to stop my hand from shaking too much.  
“Are you okay, Emma?” I heard CC mumble from right beside me. The rest of the guys were still laughing at Ashley. I faked a small smile before nodding. “I’m fine,” I lied.  
\--------------------------  
I watched the guys perform from the side of the stage. I loved to see how involved they got with their own music. They put so much of their emotions into their live performance. I smiled when I saw my brother do the back-up vocals. He looked so happy, like the only thing right at this moment was his performance. He really found something that gave purpose to his life.  
I felt a wave of nausea hit me when I looked down at my body, seeing the fat of my belly hanging over the edge of my pants. I really ate too much today. My hand started shaking again while my pace of my heart beat went up. I glanced one more time at the stage, before turning around and walking off into the direction of the dressing room.   
I walked into the bathroom, grabbing a glass and drinking a glass of water. I hoped that it would calm my body down, but my hands only seemed to start shaking harder. I looked into the mirror, looking at that pathetic girl.   
Look at yourself Emma. Look at your face, your body, even your fucking hair looks like shit today. Why did you eat so much? Do you really think they will keep hanging out with you if you get fat? Do you really think they want you to eat all their food? They could hang out with tons of pretty girls, they would choose them all over you if you keep eating like that. You have to find a way to get all these calories out of your body again.   
I sighed before I saw the toilet out of the corner of my eyes. Should I..? Could I..? Wouldn’t they notice? I looked at my belly one more time before kneeling down in front of the toilet. I looked at my shaking hand, before putting my finger in the back of my throat. And a moment later, I felt everything I ate that evening make its way out again. I felt a small tear rolling over my cheek.  
After I threw up everything that was inside me I leaned against the toilet. It felt gross, yes, but I also felt more empty. I wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore about eating all the food. But I felt weak. I flushed the toilet, brushed my teeth and used a lot of deodorant to cover up the smell of my own puke.   
I looked in the mirror once again. I still looked fat. I guess it would take time to lose weight this way. I sighed before noticing the puke on my shirt.  
Well shit. A feeling of panic hit me again. I could not keep wearing this, the guys would notice. What would they say? Would they know? Or would they think that I was just ill? I took my shirt off, only standing in my bra. I looked at the shirt, wondering what to do with it. Should I throw it away? Or should I just wash it? But wouldn’t the guys notice?  
“Emma? What are you doing?” I heard a deep voice coming from the door opening. I turned around to see Andy standing there, looking at my with a raised eyebrow. I quickly hid the shirt behind my back, trying to cover up the almost naked upper half of body. I looked at his shoes, avoiding eye contact. “N-nothing..” I mumbled.


	19. Chapter 19

“Why are standing in your bra in our dressing room?” Andy asked, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. “And why are you hiding your shirt behind your back?” He continued.  
I felt a blush creeping on my cheeks. “Uhm.. Well.. I..” I stuttered while trying to find a good excuse. Shit Emma, you should have thought about this. Before I could even answer, I saw Andy move in my direction and felt him grab the shirt out of my good hand.  
He looked down at the shirt, probably trying to find out why I was hiding it. His eyebrows furrowed when he saw the mess that was on my shirt.  
“Emma.. is this-“ He started, but he was cut off by other voices.  
“That was an awesome show… the crowd was so enthusiastic!” I heard CC’s voice beam.  
I felt my heart beat quicken up when I heard the other guys approaching. I looked down at my own body. I was still standing in my bra. I looked up into Andy’s eyes, begging for help. He gave me a short nod before he threw my dirty shirt in the bin and pulled off his own shirt. He handed it to me and helped me put it on, since the cast on my wrist was annoying when you wanted to put clothes on. Just when he had pulled the shirt down on me, the door of the bathroom opened once again.   
“Oh hey guys.. didn’t know you were in he- What the fuck are you two doing?” CC stood in the door way, staring at us with wide eyes.  
I guess the situation would look kind of… wrong to people who didn’t know what was going on. Andy still had his hands on my shirt and was shirtless himself. We were standing pretty close to each other.. Yeah I understood CC’s reaction.  
“CC it’s not what you think..” I started, but trailed off since I didn’t know what I should tell him.  
“Emma tore her shirt up backstage while watching us perform. She came in here to find another shirt, but she didn’t succeed. I gave her my shirt so that you and the other guys wouldn’t see her in her underwear,” Andy said quickly, before I could make up any other excuses. I smiled slightly at him, trying to say thank you without words. He just nodded a little bit before looking at CC again.  
“Aaah, okay now I get it… Well Andy, you’ve got that going for you. You saw Emma in her underwear!” CC wiggled his eyebrows at Andy. “Did you see anything el-“ He continued, but he was cut off by me and Andy.  
“CC OUT!” We yelled in unison, pointing at the door. I chuckled a bit, before me and Andy followed him out into the dressing room.  
We earned some strange looks from Jake, Jinxx and Ashley when we walked into the dressing room. They looked at Andy, before looking at me. And then at Andy again.  
“CC will explain,” Andy laughed, and only a moment later CC was explaining everything he saw and thought. And of course he told the guys what really happened, so the story ended with relieved sighs from all the guys.  
\------------------  
I lay down in my bunk, scrolling through the music on my phone. I clicked on Go To Hell, For Heaven’s Sake before locking my phone again and closing my eyes. I stared at my eyelids, listening to Oli’s screams. I let out a deep sigh, feeling my mind drift of already.   
I stirred when I heard the curtain of my bunk slide open. I slowly opened my eyes, to see Andy standing next to the bunk.  
“Hey, can I come in?” he whispered. He asked it like I opened the door to my own house and if he could come in to drink a cup of tea. I nodded before trying to make room for him in the bunk. Yeah, quite a small home that I’ve got here.  
He pulled himself up into the bunk, sitting on the other side of the bed. He pulled his knees up to his chest, rested his arms on them and laid his chin on his arms.  
“When did you start throwing up to lose weight?” He asked, going straight to the point.   
I felt the blood drain from my face when the question hit me. I looked at my hands, intertwining the fingers of broken arm with my good fingers. “I didn’t th-“ I started, but I was cut off immediately.  
“Cut the shit, Emma. You sneaked out during our show, I found you with puke on your shirt in the bathroom. You don’t look ill to me.”  
“You don’t know what you are talking about,” I spoke up, staring right in his eyes.  
“Answer the damn question.”  
“I didn’t throw up to lose weight, I felt sick-“  
“I could fucking count your ribs, Emma!” He whisper shouted at me, trying to avoid that the others could hear us.   
“I can almost count yours as well. It doesn’t mean that I am trying to lose weight.”  
“Almost is not the same,” he snapped. “When you look in the mirror, what do you see?” he continued, softening his voice.  
“I see myself.”  
“Describe what you see.”  
“Mind your own fucking business, Andy!” I whisper shouted back.   
“This is my business. I am looking out for my friend,” he whispered. “Now tell me, what do you see?”  
“A girl. A girl with black hair, a girl with a cast on her arm. A girl that isn’t as fucking pretty as all the other girls..” I trailed off, looking down at my lap.  
“What is the difference between you and all the other girls?” Andy continued.  
“They are more pretty, like I told you,” I snapped.  
“Why are they pretty? What do they have that you don’t?”  
“They are.. they are..” I mumbled, not knowing how to finish the sentence.  
“Skinnier?” he asked, trying to look in my eyes. I nodded, still avoiding any eye contact.  
He didn’t say anything back, but I felt him move. I looked up to see that he was now sitting beside in the same position.   
“Emma, I could count your ribs. You are so skinny. How can you think that you are not?” he whispered, looking at me with concern in his eyes.  
“Because they told me to.. to maybe eat a little less,” I mumbled, looking at my hands again.  
“Who told you to?” I saw Andy lifting his head from his arms, looking at me with confusion in his eyes.  
“My team mates,” I mumbled.  
“The same girls that beat you up? And you believed them?” He asked. I nodded slightly, still staring down.  
I felt his fingers under my chin, lifting my face up to look him in the eyes. “They are fucking retards. You were skinny the first time I met you. Please tell me that you didn’t start this because of them?” He looked at me with begging eyes.   
“I think.. I think I did,” I mumbled. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder.   
“When did you start throwing up?” he asked once again.  
“Today was the first time..”  
“Emma, look me in the eyes and promise me that you won’t do it again? Please, you need to start eating more. You are so skinny. I feel like I could snap you in two if I touch you,” he said, sounding defeated. I looked up in his eyes before answering his question.  
“I want to try, I promise. But I need your help..”  
“I will do anything to help you.”   
“Thank you, Andy,” I smiled at him. “Promise me something too?” I continued.  
He nodded at me, signalling to go on.   
“Don’t tell Ash?” I whispered.   
“If you try to gain weight again, I won’t tell him. But if it gets worse, I will have to,” he said before I felt his lips kiss the top of my head.


	20. Chapter 20

“Wait are Bellamy and Clarke a couple?” I heard Jinxx ask, his eyes never leaving the tv screen.  
“No they are not, just very close friends but-“ I started to explain but I was cut off by my brother.  
“How are they not a couple? Look at the looks that they give each other!” He exclaimed.  
“They are not a couple. Clarke has a crush on Lexa-“  
“Isn’t Lexa a dating site?”   
“Do they even have internet there?”  
“Why would she use a dating site when she can have Bellamy?”  
“No guys, Lexa is the commander of the grounders-“ I continued trying to explain my favourite tv show to the rest of the guys.  
“I thought the commander was called Anya?” Ashley asked, looking me in the eyes with furrowed eyebrows.  
“No dumbass, Anya was shot,” CC replied, hitting Ashley on the head with a smirk.  
“I think I missed that because someone kept distracting me!” Ashley chuckled before pushing his shoulder into CC’s.   
“Anya was shot when they were almost at the camp-“ I started, but sighed when I was cut off again.  
“Wait Anya’s dead?!” Jake yelled in shock, looking at me with big eyes. I wanted to reply but I felt a hand clamp over my mouth. I looked over to Andy, who was sitting next to me on the couch. We had had a day off between two tour dates and decided to all watch The 100 all day. We were halfway through season 2 now, but the guys wouldn’t shut their mouths anymore. It was like they hadn’t been paying attention at all.   
“I would stop trying to explain if I were you,” Andy chuckled before removing his hand from my mouth. “Guys, just shut the holes in your face and watch the damn show!” He continued before playfully pushing the two guys in front of the couch with his feet. They actually listened to him and became silent once again, staring at the television screen.   
“Thank you,” I whispered to Andy, who gave me a small smile in return. He leaned forward to grab some crisps from the table. He put a few in his mouth before he looked at me again, offering me a hand of crisps.   
I stared at them, thoughts flying across my mind. They looked so fat, so greasy. How could I eat them? How could I eat them without feeling like I just put more fat in my body once again? How could I eat them without feeling guilty?   
I looked up into Andy’s eyes to see that they were filled with worry. Come on Emma, convince Andy that you are okay. Convince Andy that you don’t need any more help than that. That you actually don’t need any help at all. You are okay. You just started eating a little less, but you are still eating a healthy amount of food.   
I smiled at him before accepting the crisps. I couldn’t help but notice my hands shake a little when I put them in my mouth. I didn’t enjoy eating them at all. When I was younger, I loved the taste crisps. But right now, I only thought about the amount of fat that was entering my body.  
When I ate them all, I sighed before leaning against Andy’s chest once again and watching the television screen.  
\--------------------------  
“What do you mean, he just quit?” I heard some voice yell, the sound waking me up from my dreams. I stirred before slowly opening my eyes, a yawn escaping my mouth. We had been watching The 100 all night yesterday and we only went to bed far after midnight.   
I rubbed my eyes before opening the curtain and stumbling out of my bed. I walked over to the living room area of the bus to find out what the yelling was about.   
“Well, good morning sunshine,” I heard my brother chuckle when I walked in in my pyjama’s. I stared at him sleepily, trying to get my view sharp. I noticed the rest of the guys sitting in the area as well, already fully dressed.  
“What time is it?” I mumbled.   
“It’s 2 pm,” CC said.  
“What? Why didn’t you wake me up?” I asked. Did I really sleep all morning?  
“Because you looked cute while you were sleeping!” CC explained.   
“What?” I asked, confusion creeping into my mind.  
“Just ignore CC. We thought you needed your rest,” my brother explained while rolling his eyes.  
“Ah okay..” I mumbled, before continuing. “Who quit?”   
“Our merchandise guy has decided to quit his job.. Apparently he missed his girlfriend too much so he went home,” Andy explained before putting his head in his hands.  
“I could do it,” I immediately replied. I would just sit backstage all the time while they were playing. I could as well do something useful with my life.  
“What?” Jinxx asked, clearly being confused.  
“I could sell your merchandise.”  
“Well, it would be a good solution..” Jake started, thinking about what I just said.  
“Emma, it can be pretty hectic. Are you sure? I don’t want you to get hurt again,” Ashley said.  
“She can just try it tonight, and if she doesn’t like it, we will find someone else, right?” CC said, looking quite excited. I nodded before smiling at him. CC always got excited over the small things. He would lift up your mood just by talking to you.  
“Are you sure?” Andy asked, looking just as doubtful as Ashley.  
“I will be fine.”  
\----------------------  
They said it could be pretty hectic, and they didn’t exaggerate one word about it.   
I tried to help as many girls and boys who were pushing each other to get there first. Breaking my wrist didn’t really help with working really fast.   
I managed to help as many fans as possible in the end. Only a few people were left when I looked into a pair of eyes that I expected to never see again.   
“Hey, Emma..” She started. I was staring right at the girl who I had been kissing with the night we went out with the team.  
I felt my heart beat quicken, my hands were getting sweaty and my throat went dry. I smiled at her, before trying to think of something to say.


	21. Chapter 21

“Oh wow, uhm hey.. uhm..” I stumbled, nervously thinking about what words to say. Worst thing? I never asked for her name. I felt a blush form on my cheeks while I was stumbling.  
“You don’t know my name now, do you?” She chuckled. I nodded slightly, feeling ashamed.  
“It’s Dani. I think we formally introduced already, but I guess you were drunk to remember,” she chuckled. She held out her hand, and I shook it before laughing a bit. I saw a one more fan waiting for merchandise, so I let go of her hand.  
“I’ve.. I’ve got to help them..” I mumbled before hesitantly walking away.   
“It’s okay, I will wait here,” she smiled at me before I turned around.  
“What can I help you with?” I asked the fan who was standing in front of me. She pointed at a shirt with all the guys with their war paint on. Without really thinking about it, I grabbed a shirt out of one of the boxes and handed it to the girl.  
“Uhm.. miss? I meant the other one,” she smiled shyly at me before handing back the shirt.  
“Oh.. right, I’m sorry,” I mumbled before switching it for the right one. My thoughts were flying wild across my mind, making it hard to think clearly. How did Dani find me again? What would she want from me?  
“Thank you for visiting concert, I hoped you enjoyed it!” I smiled at the girl while handing her the right shirt.   
“Thank you, I loved it!” She exclaimed while putting her new shirt in her bag. “Can you do one more thing for me?” She started.  
“Uhm.. I think so, yeah. What is it?”   
“Ask that girl on the side out already, it’s so obvious that you’ve got a thing for her,” she whispered, so that only I could hear. I felt the blush reappear, so I looked down.  
“See, I knew it!” she said before smiling at me. “Thank you for the shirt! Tell CC I said hi,” she said before walking out of the venue. I waved at her before turning around to Dani once again.  
“What were you guys whispering about?” she asked while smiling brightly at me.  
“She asked if I was Ashley’s sister..” I mumbled, quickly trying to find a good lie.  
“Oh, and I’m not supposed to hear that?” Dani chuckled at me before winking.  
“Uhm.. well.. uhm yeah of course! But maybe some other fans didn’t know and it would be easier if we could clean up now, instead of having to take pictures.”  
“Aha..” She laughed before walking over to help me with packing the boxes. All fans had left by now, and it was time to bring the merchandise back to the bus. “So are you going to do it?” She continued while picking up a box.  
“Do what?”  
“Ask me out.” My eyes widened when she winked at me, before walking out of the room with the box in her arms. I felt my face redden again, before I regained myself again and walked after her with some more stuff in my good hand.  
\--------------------  
“So this is the tour bus, I think the guys are inside already. You can hang out with us until we have to leave town,” I explained to her while pointing at the bus. I knocked at the door, waiting for it to be opened by one of the guys.  
“Come in!” Ashley enthusiastically said when he opened the door. He grabbed my good arm and helped me climb into the bus. Only at that moment, he saw the girl that had been standing behind me.  
“Oh hello, who is this beautiful lady?” He chuckled before grabbing her hand and helping her in as well.   
“Ash, this is-“ I started, but I was cut off.  
“Dani. Nice to meet you,” she smiled brightly at him while shaking his hand.  
“Nice to meet you Dani! How do you know my sister?” He asked before closing the door.   
“Ash.. uhm.. This is the girl that I kissed before I.. Before I broke my wrist…” I shyly mumbled, avoiding both of their gazes. I stared down at my feet, feeling face getting red.  
“Oh, I didn’t think you would remember any of that.” The tone in Ashley’s voice made me look up. Was he mad at me? Did he think that I was acting like a whore? I looked into his eyes. They didn’t contain any emotion for a moment, but I started seeing joy in them. He cracked a smile. “I’m just teasing you, Em,” he chuckled before ruffling my hair before walking into the living area of the bus.  
I followed Ashley into the bus and motioned for Dani to follow me. We slowly walked into the bus, looking at the four boys just sitting and chatting to each other. I immediately noticed the absence of the tall guy I had grown close to.  
“Hey, where is Andy?” I asked. I walked over to the little kitchen to get something to drink.  
“He went into town, he will be back later,” Jinxx mumbled before looking up at me.  
“Hey, who did you bring?” He asked when he noticed the girl standing beside me. The other guys looked up as well when they heard Jinxx say that.  
“This is-“ I started, but Ashley cut me off.  
“It’s the girl she kissed!” He teased me, sticking his tongue out at me.  
“Ash..” I mumbled before blushing.  
“Yeah, that’s me,” Dani chuckled. “But most people know me as Dani,” she continued before walking over to the rest of the couch and shaking their hands. They all introduced themselves, smiling while doing so.   
I handed Dani her drink before sitting down on the couch next to CC. Dani sat down next to me, taking a sip from her drink. We all sat there, calmly talking about the show and everything else that was going on in our lives. I tensed when I felt her arm slip behind my back, resting her hand on my hip. I looked straight into Ashley’s eyes, my nerves probably displaying in my own. He nodded encouraging at me, smiling when he saw the blush on my cheeks.   
I relieved the breath that I apparently been holding in. I relaxed my muscles before leaning back against her arm. I looked at my side to see her smiling at me.   
We only had been sitting like that for half an hour and I felt myself relax more and more by the minute. I heard the door of the bus open, so I guess Andy came back from town already.  
“Hey Andy!” I enthusiastically yelled when he walked into the living area.  
“Hey Em-“ He started yelling back when he walked over to us, but he stopped midsentence. “Dani?!” He said, his eyes widening when he saw her.  
“Hey Dee!” She said happily before waving at him.   
I saw his upper lip crawl up in disgust. His eyes showed an emotion that I couldn’t quite place, before they hardened.  
“What the actual fuck are you doing here?” he snarled.


	22. Chapter 22

“Wait, you guys know each other?” Jake spoke up, looking from Dani to Andy and back to Dani again.  
“Oh, we know each other, don’t we Dani?” Andy said while gritting his teeth. She grinned at him, clearly liking this situation more than Andy did.  
“Okay, what is going on?” I asked, feeling confused now. My muscled tensed once again when I leaned forward a bit, looking into Andy’s eyes.  
“Relax, babe. Everything’s alright,” Dani said while rubbing my leg reassuringly.  
“Babe?” Andy asked while raising an eyebrow.  
“Yes, Andy, babe,” she answered.  
“You’ve found a new victim then, huh?” He scoffed while rolling his eyes.  
“Are you blaming me for what happened?!” Dani asked, raising her voice now.  
“Of course I am blaming you!” he whisper yelled, trying to keep his speaking volume low.  
“We were both just as willing, Biersack! Don’t go through this nonsense again!” She yelled now, standing up from the couch now.  
“Whatever the fuck you say,” Andy said before turning to me, opening his mouth to say something but he was interrupted. We all looked up when the bus driver walked into the living area.  
“We have to take off now, so I think it is better for the guest to leave,” he quite politely said before motioning towards Dani.  
“Sounds just like the perfect plan. Bye Dani,” Andy said before walking off towards his bunk. I looked at Dani, feeling confusion, nerves and butterflies in my stomach.   
I got up from the couch as well, getting ready to show her the way out of the bus. I felt her hand grab mine when we walked outside.  
“I’m sorry for Andy, he can be stubborn sometimes-,” I started apologizing but I was cut off by her lips crashing on mine. For a moment, I was frozen. I regained myself, wrapping my arms around her neck and deepening the kiss. My heart thumped like a maniac, probably trying to escape out of my chest. I felt my knees shake slightly, but I managed to keep standing up straight. It felt like forever before she pulled away, clearly out of breath.  
“That was..” I started, now knowing what to say exactly.   
“Awesome,” she finished before smiling brightly at me. I smiled before looking down, feeling a blush appear on my cheeks. I unwrapped my arms, getting ready to get back on the bus. I slowly walked towards the door, not feeling ready to leave Dani on her own.  
“Hey Emma.” I turned around when I heard her speak up again.  
“Yeah?”  
“Can I have your phone for a moment?” She asked, pointing at the mobile device in my pocket. I hesitantly got it out and handed it to her, not really sure what she was planning to do. She unlocked it and went to contacts. She typed something in before she handed back my phone. When I looked at the screen, I saw her name with a lot of hearts and a phone number in my contact list.  
“Now you can ask me out,” she winked before walking away. I smiled slightly to myself, trying to hide the blush again. I took a deep breath before climbing into the bus.  
I couldn’t help but smile when I walked into the living area again. I looked up when I heard someone whistle.  
“Did she kiiiiiss you?” CC asked, lying on the couch with his head upside down, staring at me. I didn’t know that my smile could become any brighter, but it did when CC asked me that question.  
“You go girl!” Jinxx enthusiastically said before getting up from the couch and walking over to me. I stared at him in confusion, not knowing what this man was planning to do. I automatically flinched when I saw him raising his hand. Was he going to hit me? Was he mad at me?  
“Emma, what the fuck. I just wanted a high five,” he laughed at my reaction. I made a small ‘oh’ sound before high fiving him.   
“I hope she tasted like shit.” I looked up to see Andy walk into the living area once again.  
“What is your problem, mate?” Ashley asked, sounding a bit defensive now.  
“What is my problem?! My problem is that that thing is back in my life,” he snapped.  
“Thing?” I asked calmly. I felt the anger rise inside of me.  
“Yes, Emma, thing.”  
“How could you call her a thing? Where is your self-respect?!” I raised my voice. I grabbed a glass from the cabinet, getting a glass of water for myself.  
“My self-respect? I think you should try to keep yours by ditching her now you still can,” he said while staring coldly at me.   
“I am not ditching her, Andy. She is one of the few people who doesn’t act like I am a piece of shit. She doesn’t care that I like girls, that I look like shit or what my body looks like. I just feel like someone understands me for once, instead of putting me down at every chance they get,” I yelled, feeling frustrated now.   
“Why do you act like she is the only one? What about us?! What about me?” He yelled, standing up from the couch now.  
“What about you, Andy?”   
“I accept you. I let you live in my house. I helped you when I got the chance. I talked to you. I am fucking there for you every time you are crying and need to talk,” he snapped, walking closer to me. “But then there is some pretty girl who just has to blink and you fall for her like a block, you don’t even notice how naïve you are acting.”  
I felt my heart beat fasten when he walked closer to me, backing me up against the counter. I grabbed the glass in my hand a bit tighter, making sure not to drop it.  
“I am not naïve Andy, I am just living a little. But every time I do that, you seem to interrupt and ruin it for me.”  
“Every time? How many times did I ruin your life, huh?” he snapped, raising his eyebrow. I looked into his eyes to see no emotion at all. They were just hard and cold.  
“I.. I don’t know..” I mumbled, feeling unsure of myself. My hands were getting sweaty and started shaking a bit. “Andy, can you please take some more distance?” I asked shyly. He looked in my eyes and I saw his soften a bit, before he nodded and took a step back.   
“Stop talking shit if you don’t know what you are talking about,” he snapped.   
“If you stop acting so jealous.”  
“Jealous?” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I am not jealous. I wouldn’t be jealous of Dani. Dani gets to kiss someone who tastes like puke.”  
Something snapped inside me. My heart clenched when he made the comment, looking at me in disgust. My muscles tensed. I only noticed how hard I was grabbing the glass when I heard the sound of shattering glass. I felt a sharp pain in my hand. I looked at the glass to see it in a thousand pieces on the ground. Blood started dripping from my hand, leaking from the cuts the broken glass had caused.  
“Wow, everything okay over there?” Ashley immediately yelled. I flinched when I felt the pain in my hand increase.  
“Holy shit Emma,” Andy breathed, looking at my hand with wide eyes. He took a step forward, reaching for my arm.   
“Get away from me, asshole,” I spat before walking past him and bumping my shoulder into him as hard as I could.


	23. Chapter 23

I winced, letting go of the piece of glass I was trying to get out of my hand. How ironic that I had the strength to break a glass by myself, but I couldn’t get myself to get small pieces of glass out of my hand. I took a closer look at the small, shining pieces in my hand. My breath quickened when I realized I had to get them all out, one by one.  
“Fuck,” I whispered, staring at myself in the mirror. I was standing in the tiny bathroom of the tour bus, desperately trying to rescue my hand and to disinfect the wounds.  
“Everything alright in there?” I heard a voice ask. I stared at my hand again before answering. “No, not really,” I answered before sighing.  
“Can I come in?”   
“Yeah, wait a second,” I said before walking over to the door and opening the lock with the back of both my hands. A second after I opened the lock, the door opened to reveal Jake standing behind it. He walked in before closing the door behind him again, not bothering to lock it.  
He stared at my hand, his eyes widening.   
“Did Andy do this to you?” He asked, his voice full of disbelieve. I shook my head slightly before answering.  
“No uhm.. I did it to myself..” I mumbled, staring down to avoid his gaze.  
“What.. Why? Is it because of something Andy said?” He asked, grabbing my hand and looking closely at the wounds. I shook my head. I couldn’t tell him what Andy said. Andy’s comment was low, very low. But telling Jake what Andy said to me would reveal the fact that I had been throwing up. None of the other guys should be bothered again with one of my silly problems. They couldn’t know.  
“Are you sure I shouldn’t kick his ass?” He smiled at me, earning a small smile back.   
“It’s fine Jake, really,” I chuckled.   
He nodded before grabbing a first aid kid from one of the shelves and pushing me softly out of the bathroom. We walked towards the dinner table and I sat down on one of the chairs. Jake sat down right next to me, putting my hand on the table and opening the first aid kid.  
“Do you need any help?” I hadn’t noticed Ashley sitting at the table until now. I wanted to shake my head but Jake spoke up before I could.  
“Yes, hold her other hand please.”   
I saw Ashley nod before he grabbed my other hand, which wasn’t that easy since there was a cast on my wrist.   
“Okay Emma, this is going to sting a little bit,” Jake mumbled, fully concentrating on moving the tweezers towards my hand. The throbbing pain increased the moment he started removing pieces of glass.  
My muscles tensed, squeezing Ashley’s hand.  
“I think one broken arm in this tour bus is enough,” he chuckled with a pained face. I laughed with him before wincing again.  
\----------------------------  
I looked at the sandwich on my plate. I barely touched it. I had taken two bites, but I felt my belly slightly hanging over the edge of my pants already. I guess I shouldn’t have eaten breakfast this morning. I had had three sandwiches. Three. I was hungry. My body told me I was hungry. I should have just ignored it. But I was weak. Again.  
The worst part? I had thrown it all up again. I promised myself to never do that again. I promised Andy to never do it again. A feeling of guilt overcame me for a moment.   
Be strong Emma. Fuck Andy. He promised you to help you? But the moment someone else seems to care about you, he acts like a jealous asshole. You’re feeling guilty? You shouldn’t. He never planned to help you. He just wants to see you suffer. He just wants to fucking stab you in the back every chance he gets.  
I looked up from my plates to look right into Andy’s eyes. One of his eyebrows raised up.   
“What?” I snapped.  
“Is that all you’re going to eat?” He asked.   
“I’m not hungry,” I lied. I felt my stomach rumble while I said it.  
“Then why is your stomach rumbling?”  
He was seeing right through me. I knew. He could almost read my thoughts.  
“It wasn’t.”  
“I could hear it too, Emma..” CC mumbled from beside me. I saw Ashley staring at me from the corner of my eyes.  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“Emma, please finish your sandwich,” Ashley spoke up softly.  
“I’m not hungry.”   
I felt my hands shake slightly. I didn’t know why they did, but it made me weak. I wouldn’t eat my lunch though. If something had to be weak, it would be eating the greasy sandwich that was in front of me.   
“Emma, finish you damn lunch,” Andy snapped.  
“No.”  
“Do I have to force it down your throat?”   
“I’m not a fucking kid, guys. I’m a grown up. And I’m telling you, I’m not hungry. Mind your own fucking business,” I snapped before standing up from my chair.   
The moment I was standing I realized I had stood up way too fast. A wave of dizziness hit me. I felt my eyes roll up, my vision going black for a moment. A hand grabbed my arm, stopping me from losing my balance. I looked down to see CC holding my arm tightly with one of his hands, worry reflecting in his eyes.  
All the guys were staring at me now.  
“Holyshit, Emma..” Ashley said before standing up from his chair as well and walking over to me.  
“Emma, are you okay?” Jinxx quietly asked.  
“Please, just let me leave,” I begged. I felt all my limbs shake.   
“Oh hell no you aren’t,” Ashley said before putting me down in the chair once again. “Now eat the sandwich. You almost fainted.”  
“I don’t want to eat anything!” I said, my voice raising now. I felt tears burn in my eyes.  
“Are you going to cry?” Ashley softly asked from beside me. I stared ahead, trying to push back the tears.   
“Emma, why are you going to cry?” Ashley asked once again, trying to look into my eyes. I just shrugged.  
“You will be fine. Just eat this one sandwich and lay down for a while, okay?” Ashley said before handing me the sandwich again. I nodded slightly before taking a bit from the sandwich, feeling the calories enter my body.


	24. Chapter 24

Dani: When are you coming backkk from tour??? Xx  
Emma: Just a little while longer! Can’t wait to hold you.. xx  
Dani: Me neither.. I miss you lots..   
Emma: Samee.. <3  
Dani: How have you and Andy been?  
Emma: Horrible.. He shouldn’t have talked about you like that.. But we’ll be fine eventually I guess.  
Dani: What did he say?  
Emma: He called you a thing.  
Dani: The asshole.  
Emma: … What happened between you two?  
Dani: Between us? Nothing special.  
Emma: There must be a reason that he acts like that around you, right?  
Dani: He is just an attention seeker.  
Emma: But something happened, right? How do you know him?   
Dani: Not important.  
Emma: Why won’t you tell me?  
Dani: Let it go, Emma.  
I sighed before slipping my phone back in my pocket. I was sitting on the couch in the dressing room of the guys. I was supposed to sell merchandise, but one of the other sellers told me to take a night off.   
I put my throbbing head in my hands, trying to swallow away the sourness in my throat. I had been feeling like shit all day, but it seemed to get worse by the minute now.   
I stumbled over to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror before grabbing a pack of ibuprofen and a glass of water. I popped one of the tablets in my mouth. I let out a small shriek when I looked back in the mirror to not only see myself, but Andy standing behind me.  
“Andy, what the fuck are you doing here?” I asked out of breath, my heart pace still not beating at the right rhythm again.  
“Checking if you were okay.”  
“I’m fine,” I mumbled before walking past him out of the bathroom. Every time I went to the bathroom, he seemed to try to find out if I had thrown up. I got better at covering it up. I succeeded in convincing him that I was fine.  
Truth was, I was not fine. Not at all. It was killing me. Eating was mentally killing me. At first, I ate just a little less of the unhealthy food. But I noticed now that even a simple sandwich with peanut butter felt like too much. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but think about the amount of fat, the amount of calories. I couldn’t help that I became aware of my stomach, every time I took a bite of something. I had been eating a ‘normal’ amount of food when I was with the guys. But the moment they didn’t look, my stomach would make a turn and I would throw everything up. It felt like I didn’t even control my own body anymore.   
I walked into the dressing room to see the rest of the guys sitting on the couch. I saw CC raise his eyebrows when he spotted me.  
“Hey little one, whatcha doin’ here?” He said.  
“Yeah, aren’t you supposed to be selling merchandise?” my brother added, looking at me with confusion in his eyes.  
“I didn’t feel good so they gave me a night off,” I answered before a cough escaped my mouth.   
“That doesn’t sound good hon.” I watched Jinxx get up from the couch, probably planning to pound me softly on my back.  
“I’m fine, Jinxx,” I said, raising my hand to stop him from moving.  
“We were planning on going out for dinner tonight, actually. But if you want to stay on the tour bus and get some rest, that’s fine too,” Ashley said. I saw concern when I looked him in the eyes.  
“We could just eat some leftovers,” Andy added, walking out of the bathroom. I shook my head, though.  
“I will be fine, guys. Don’t worry about me.”  
“Are you sure?” Jinxx asked.  
“Yes. Where are we going?” I asked before smiling at them. It took some effort to force the corners of my mouth up. The sourness in my throat increased every time I coughed and the ibuprofen didn’t seem to lighten my head ache at all.   
“Van Buren, it’s a nice Dutch restaurant.”   
I nodded before grabbing my stuff and getting ready to leave.


	25. Chapter 25

I looked down at my plate. I had ordered the spare ribs with a side salad and fries. It sounded like it wouldn’t be much, but it was. I put my fork in the salad, slowly taking a bite of it.   
My hands were shaking slightly and I felt sweat form on my forehead. I took a deep breath before chewing the salad, forcing myself swallow the food. My head was pounding like someone was hitting me with a hammer. My throat was hurting so much that I couldn’t even swallow without wincing. I should have said no. I should have went to bed. But it was too late for that nonsense now.  
“Are you sure you are okay Emma?” CC whispered from next to me. A shiver went down my spine the moment he asked me.  
“You look kinda pale,” Jake added from the other side of the table.  
“I’m fine, I will just go to bed when we are back on the bus,” I assured them. I took a few more bites from the salad. I put my fork down, trying to keep my breathing steady.  
“You should eat some more, it will make you feel better,” CC said, pointing at my almost full plate.  
“Nah, I don’t think my stomach could handle it..” I mumbled. That, and look at the amount of calories it contains. But I didn’t say that out loud, of course.  
“What is the deal with you and food lately, Emma?” Ashley asked from my other side.   
“My deal with food? Ashley I’m just feeling a bit ill, that’s all.” I looked up to see Andy furrow his eyebrows, concern showing in his eyes.  
“Emma…” he mumbled.  
“Mind your own fucking business, Biersack,” I snapped.  
“A while ago, you were going to cry about eating a sandwich..” Ashley said.  
“I wasn’t going to cry,” I said, avoiding his gaze. I felt two fingers put my chin up, forcing me to look him into the eyes.  
“Yes, you were. What’s going on?” He said. I just looked in his eyes, not knowing what to say. “Are you skipping meals? Are you trying to lose weight? Is that it?”   
I saw the rest of the guys stare at us now out of the corner of my eyes.   
“I’m not Denise, Ashley,” I snapped. I regretted my comment the moment I saw his eyes fill with hurt. All they were reflecting now was sadness.  
Before I could apologize I felt my stomach make a full turn in my body, a wave of nausea hitting me. I put my hand over my mouth before jumping up from the table to run over to the toilets.   
I kneeled down in front of a toilet, throwing up every single bit of food that was in me. I coughed and spit into the toilet until I was completely empty.  
“Emma? Emma are you okay?” Andy’s voice was echoing through the girls restroom. I felt too weak to be mad at him at the moment.  
“I’m fine, just give me a minute,” I said. My voice sounded strange. It sounded restrained, hurt, soar. I heard his footsteps quicken when I said that, he stopped in front of my door.  
“Have you been throwing up?” I nodded, only realizing a moment later that he couldn’t see me.  
“Emma, please open the door,” he continued. I got up a bit to open the lock, before another wave of nausea hit me and had me throwing up again.  
I felt a hand softly rubbing back while holding my hair back.   
“Hey, hey.. It’s okay. You will be fine,” he softly mumbled.  
“Why are you helping me, Andy?” I asked when it felt like I was done throwing up.   
“Because you can’t do this alone anymore, Emma.”  
“Being ill?” I asked before coughing into my hand.  
“You know what I am talking about.” I nodded slightly at him before I felt his arms wrap around my fragile body.   
“Jesus… you are really skinny,” he mumbled under his breath. I shrugged before burying my face in his chest, never wanting to leave.  
\------------------------  
We walked back together when I was done throwing up. Andy slowly pushed me forward with his hand on my lower back. I saw Ashley stand up the moment we came back into side, walking over towards me.  
“Emma, are you alright?” He immediately asked.  
“I’m fine, I think,” I mumbled, not being able to focus on Ashley’s face.  
“How do you know about Denise?” He slowly asked.  
“The more important question is, why didn’t you tell me about her before others had to?” I suddenly snapped. I didn’t know where the anger in my body came from.  
“I wanted to tell you, it’s just.. It’s hard for me to talk about her..” Ashley said, looking at me apologetically.  
“I’m your sister, Ashley.”  
“And I didn’t want to hurt you by seeing me like that..”  
“Like what?”  
“Like.. Like..” He stumbled over his own word.  
“Tell me, big brother.”  
“Like an unstable emotional mess!” He raised his voice. I saw tears burn in his eyes.  
“Why are you allowed to see me like that? But the moment you’re not okay, you’re just blocking me out?!” I yelled with all the power I had. I felt a wave of dizziness overcome me, but I managed to keep my balance. I felt a hand grab my arm, making sure I wouldn’t fall. I looked down to see it was Andy’s.  
“Emma, what’s wrong with your nose?” I heard CC ask from the table. I slowly put my fingers under my nose, confusion hitting me when I felt that it was wet. I looked at my fingers to see blood on them. I felt another wave of dizziness hit me the moment I saw the blood. I felt Andy tighten his grip on my, not planning to let me fall.  
My vision went blurry only a moment later. I tried to look at Ashley, but didn’t manage to see him sharp. My eyes wouldn’t focus.  
“Ash.. Ashley.. I can’t see you,” I said. I felt panic rise up in me. My hands were starting to shake again and the waves of dizziness were coming faster after each other now.  
“Emma, what’s wrong?” I heard Ashley say, confusion in his voice.  
“Ashely, help.. I’m scared.. help me..”  
“She’s going to faint!” Someone yelled from the table.   
Everything was turning around now, not stopping. My arms were being hold tighter and tighter and I felt my legs give in under my weight.  
“Lay her down on the ground…”  
“Make sure her head is on something soft…”  
The world turned on its side when I felt my body hit the floor softly. I looked up to see someone looking over me.  
“Andy, I’m scared.. Everything is moving..”  
“It’s okay Emma, you will be fine.”  
“I’m falling.”  
“No you’re not. I’m right next to you. Here, hold my hand.” It sounded so far away. Like someone was yelling at me from the other end of a concert hall.  
I felt someone grabbing my hand, and I tried to squeeze it.  
“You’ll be fine…” I heard before my eyes rolled back in my head, and everything went black.


	26. Chapter 26

“Come on, we need to go faster!” I shouted.   
I put my hands on the stone wall and felt a pair of hands pull me up. I managed to get my legs up and rolled over the train platform. I laid on my back, breathing heavily before getting up on my feet. I stared down to see Andy, Ashley and Jinxx still running across the different train tracks.   
The burning sun was hot on my skin, my hands becoming sweatier by the minute.   
“Hurry up!” I shouted, looking down at the running guys. I bend down and grabbed Andy’s hands, pulling him up on the platform. He smiled at me before sitting down next to me and grabbing Jinxx’ hands to pull him up.   
I turned more to the left, ready to help Ashley up. But when I wanted to grab his hands, he wasn’t there. I looked around me to see Ashley running back over the tracks. Something was lying on one of them. It looked like a girl.  
No, it was a girl.  
It was Denise.  
I didn’t know how I knew, but I did.  
“Ashley! Come back! She is dead!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, but he didn’t seem to hear me.   
“Ashley! Ash!” I yelled. He kept on running before sitting down next to the body.  
“Come on. Come back to me, Denise. Denise, I need you. Please, I need you in my life.” He was whispering his words, but somehow I could hear everything he said.  
“Ashley, come back!” I yelled another time. I sat down on the edge of the platform, preparing myself to go down once again. Ashley looked up this time, staring at me from far away.  
“No, Emma, don’t do that!” he yelled back before picking Denise her body up and walking back towards me.   
“Hurry up! Please!” I didn’t think I could scream any louder than I did right now. I felt a pair of hands pull me back from the edge.   
Ashley was running now, climbing over the different train tracks. He was going to be okay. He would be fine. Just a few more tracks to go.   
He looked at me, smiling. He opened his mouth to say something. I was ready to listen. I was ready to listen, no matter what he would say. But I never got to hear it. The moment he opened his mouth, a train appeared out of nowhere and hit him.  
It felt like the earth disappeared under my feet. Like I was falling. Falling into nothing but darkness.  
He disappeared within a second.  
He was gone. Ashley was gone.  
“Nooooooooo!” I screamed. “No Ashley, come back! I need you! I need you!!” I sobbed, the tears were rolling over my face.   
I felt a hand on my shoulder.  
“Emma…… wake up……….”  
One moment I was on a train station. The next moment I was sitting on a couch.  
“Ashley… Ash…” My breath was quick and hitched. My hands were shaking. I felt my head throbbing, my throat felt like sand paper.   
“I’m here, I’m here!” I heard my brother say quickly. I turned my head around slowly to the left to see him walking into the living room area.   
“Ashley, I was so scared. You were dead,” I mumbled.   
“I’m not dead, I’m here. Everything is okay.” His hand stroked my sweaty hair out of my face. His eyes were filled with concert before he slowly pushed me into lying position again. “Take slow breaths, Em. You have a bad fever.”  
I nodded slightly before trying to calm my breathing, concentrating on the air flowing through my lungs.  
“I will leave you two alone for a moment.” I only now noticed that Jake had been sitting next to the couch. He was probably the one who woke me up. He got up from the chair, walking somewhere out of my sight.  
“Why am I on the couch?” My voice croaked. “What happened?”  
“You fainted.”  
“What? When?” I asked. Did I faint? Why didn’t I remember?   
“We were at a restaurant when you suddenly lost consciousness.”  
“When were we at a restaurant?” I asked, my confusion reflecting in my own voice.  
“You don’t remember?” He asked slowly. I shook my head, motioning for him to go on.  
“Yesterday night, we went to a restaurant with the whole band and you. You have been unconscious for almost 20 hours.”  
“Oh.”   
“The doctor was here this morning…” Ashley started. He fumbled with his hands, looking down at his intertwining fingers. It made him look unsure of himself. This wasn’t like him at all.  
“What’s wrong?” I silently asked, hoping for something that would be over soon.  
“Well, you obviously are suffering from a fever. It will be over in a few days…”   
“But?” This couldn’t be everything. I had had so many fevers. It couldn’t be the thing that was bothering my brother.  
“The doctor said you are suffering from malnutrition.”   
“That isn’t weird, right? I felt like shit all day yesterday, I didn’t feel like eating.”  
“Emma, the doctor said it looked like you had barely been eating enough for a day in a whole week…” His voice trailed off near the end of the sentence. I looked up at him to see worry spread all over his face.  
“It’s fine Ashley, it’s just because of the flu-“ I said, but I was cut off.  
“That is not just because of the flu, Emma.” He said, his voice restrained.   
I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to say. Should I admit to the starving myself part? Should I just give up trying to lose weight? If I would tell him, he would do everything in his power to stop it.  
Didn’t I want it to stop? Wouldn’t I love it to enjoy sandwiches again? To eat junk food with my friends, without worrying about the number of calories that would enter my body?  
But I would gain weight. I would become fat again.   
“Emma, look at me?” Ashley asked quietly. I looked up to look right into his eyes.  
“Please be honest with me. No judgement.” I nodded for him to go on. “Have you been trying to lose weight in any sort of way?” He asked seriously. “Have you been starving yourself?”  
I didn’t want to answer him. I wanted to shrug it off. I didn’t want to bother him with my problems. But I think my quivering lip told him enough.


	27. Chapter 27

“Why?” My brother questioned.  
“Why what?”  
“Why are you starving yourself?” He specified.  
I felt anger rise in me. Although his eyes looked nothing but sad and I knew that he didn’t mean it that way, the question sounded judging. Like I chose to do what I did.  
“You’re really asking me why I have been doing that?” I asked.  
“Yeah, Emma. Why have you been starving yourself? Why have you been trying to lose weight when you were almost a walking skeleton to begin with?!” He raised his voice at me now.  
“It’s not like I decided that it was a good idea, Ashley. It wasn’t a choice.”  
“How wasn’t it your choice? You are the one who has been doing it to yourself!”  
“You don’t understand.”  
“Then explain it to me.”  
“Ashley please, don’t make me do this. I will just try to eat more, okay?”  
“No, I am your god damn brother and I am supposed to protect you. I will do everything I can to help you, really,” he said before grabbing my hand. He looked straight into my eyes before his voice softened a bit. “But you have to tell me why. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on in that crazy little head of yours.” I saw tears threaten to fall out of his eyes, but he pushed them back.  
“But..”  
“Emma.”  
“It started with the bullying at training, okay? They were all skinny and pretty and they told me I should eat a little less. That is all. I started eating a little less.”  
“A little less? You have been starving yourself.”  
“It got from bad to worse eventually. I can’t look at food without thinking about the number of calories, Ashley. I just can’t.”  
“Calories are just a number, sweetie. And you need a lot of them every day. You know that, right?”  
I nodded before swallowing back the lump in my throat.  
“I know, but it’s not that simple. It just keeps popping up in my head. I can’t help but notice my stomach bulging over the edge of my pants. I can’t help but think that if I wouldn’t eat something, that I would finally lose some weight. That it would be better if I ate less than a normal number of calories, so that I will burn some fat.”  
“I can see your ribs through your shirt. I can wrap two fingers around your whole arm. I could lift you up like you are leaf.”  
I looked down, avoiding his gaze.  
“When will you realize that you are way too skinny, Emma? Your body is shutting down. You fainted because of the lack of energy. Yes, you are losing weight. But losing weight is the worst thing you can do in your situation. You haven’t got any reserves left at all.”  
“You don’t see me the way I do, Ashley.”  
“That’s true. I see the real you. I see a beautiful girl. I see a girl who should be proud of herself. Who should accept herself and her body.”  
I didn’t say anything. I stared at my legs, not knowing how to react.  
“How long has this been going on?” Ashley asked. The noise of the door opening distracted both of us. I looked up to see Andy walk into the room.  
“How long has what been going on?” he asked nonchalantly.  
I just stared at him. I didn’t know what emotion my eyes were reflecting, but he took a step back when he looked into them.  
“Oh.. does he.. did he find out?” He asked.  
Andy must be a lucky man today. The fact that he guessed right spared him from being killed by me. Ashley and I could have been talking about anything. Anything. Who the fuck gave him the right to just talk about my secrets so bluntly.  
I stared straight into his eyes before nodding.  
“Find out?” Ashley asked, clearly confused now.  
“About the throwing up…” Andy started but stopped when I was shaking my head at him. Ashley knew about the skipping meals part. That was enough. He didn’t have to know about me throwing everything up to lose more weight. Things were bad enough like they were right now.  
“Throwing…up?” Ashley looked at me, confusion mirrored in his eyes. He stared at me for a while before turning his head back towards Andy.  
“Wait he knows about all this?” Ashley snapped. “You told him before you told me?”  
I felt fear rise inside me. His eyes had changed. His eyes had gone from sad and caring to blank. Just nothing. Emotionless. Cold.  
“And you have been throwing up as well?!” He yelled.  
“Calm down, man. Take it easy,” Andy spoke up. He took a step forward.  
“What happened to your self-worth Emma? You have started throwing up because some random person told you that you looked fat?”  
I just looked at him. I knew where the sudden change of mood was coming from. But this wasn’t my brother. My brother understood. Ashley and I just talked about it, and now he was screaming at me.  
“And you turn to him instead of your own brother?”  
“Ashley, I didn’t tell him. He confronted me and I broke down, okay?” I spoke up. My voice was slightly trembling.  
“Like I would believe that.”  
“She’s telling the truth…” Andy mumbled.  
“You shut that hole in your face. I’ve got nothing to say to you. I thought we were friends. But real friends would tell me when they know that my sister is killing herself.”  
“I haven’t been killing myself!” I exclaimed.  
“Yes you have, face the facts!”  
“Why don’t we all just take some time for ourselves to calm down?” Andy interrupted.  
“How could you do this to me? How could you let me go through this all again? How could you do this to yourself when you know about Denise? Why?!” I saw one of the tears that Ashley had been holding back for a while roll over his cheek. His voice broke at the end of the sentence.  
“I’m sorry, I really am,” I started. I felt the lump in my throat grow and tears were threatening to flow over my face.  
“It’s a little too late for that. I am done with you,” he snapped.  
“What?” My voice croaked. A single tear rolled down my cheek.  
“Like I said. I am done with your shit. You changed, and not in a good way.” He let out a small sob before wiping away the tears. “I always thought you trusted me. I thought we could talk about anything. But you have been lying to my face for this whole fucking time.”  
I didn’t know how to react. I just stared at him. I stared at my brother. He looked like a mess. Like he wasn’t thinking clearly.  
“You are going back to mom and dad,” he stated.  
“What?” I asked again.  
“I am done with you. You are going back to mom and dad. You are not my responsibility. You never have been and never will be.”   
I should be mad at him but I couldn’t. I knew where it was coming from. I knew why he was acting like this. He was reliving everything that happened to Denise again. He was experiencing tons of emotions at the same time. He wasn’t thinking clearly. His head was messed up.   
I saw the rest of the guys slowly walk into the living room area. They clearly were confused about where the noise was coming from.  
“Ashley, you can’t just send me home,” I sobbed quietly, tears escaping my eyes.  
“Oh hell yes I can. Get out,” he said. His voice was harsh.  
“You can’t just send her home. She is ill,” Andy said.  
“I don’t give a fuck. Get out of the tour bus.” He pointed towards the door of the bus, strengthening his words.  
I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to do.   
“GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW!” Ashley screamed, his voice breaking at the end. He turned around, walking out of the bus himself. The slamming of the door was heard before an utter silence occurred.


	28. Chapter 28

A few months later:  
“Is everything cleaned up inside the store?” the voice of my manager, Elizabeth, rang through the stockroom.   
I turned around to take one last look at the store, to see that it was all perfectly arranged.   
“Yes ma’am!” I said, which caused her to chuckle.   
I grabbed my jacket from the coat rack and put it on, feeling delighted that my work day was finally over once again. We walked outside together and I waited for her to lock the door. After that, we parted our ways since we both came with our own cars.   
“See you tomorrow!” Elizabeth yelled across the parking lot before waving at me. I smiled before waving back and climbing in my car. I calmly left the parking lot, turning left. I drove in the direction of the place I had been staying for a while.  
I wouldn’t say it was mine and Dani’s house, because it wasn’t. Dani had been so kind to let me move in with her when I couldn’t stay with the guys. It had been a few months since my brother and I had a bad fight. I thought that he just needed some air and needed to calm down, that he would try to contact me again. He didn’t. The other guys did from time to time, especially Andy. Skype was the way to communicate with them, since they were touring constantly.   
I pulled up to the parking spot in front of her house. A cold breeze hit me when I climbed out of the car and walked up to the front door.   
“Babe, I’m home!” my voice echoed through the house. I heard footsteps before Dani appeared in my sight, enthusiastically running down the stairs.   
She threw herself on me, her arms wrapping around me like I had been gone for years.  
“I love how you are calling this your home already,” she grinned before planting her lips on mine. I automatically smiled into the kiss, feeling the corners of my mouth go up.  
We were disturbed by the sound of an incoming skype call, coming from upstairs. I pulled away and stared into Dani’s eyes, before breaking the eye contact and looking in the direction of the sound.  
“Go, it’s probably one of your friends. I will make us dinner,” she said before planting another short kiss on my lips and walking away. I ran up the stairs, hoping that I would be on time to answer the call.  
I slumped down on our bed, grabbing the laptop and looking at the caller ID: Andy Biersack. I smiled slightly before answering and quickly flattening my hair.  
It took a moment before Andy appeared on my screen, smiling when he noticed that I had answered.  
“Hey, how’ya doin’?” he enthusiastically said while looking straight into the webcam.  
“I’m fine! What about you?” I answered immediately. The standard question made me give the standard answer without thinking.  
“Are you sure?” I heard Andy ask as a response, not answering my question.  
“I’m fine, Andy. Just a bit tired because I had to work all day.”   
“All day? Didn’t you work at some Irish pub?”   
“Too. We didn’t make enough money together so I had to find another job.”   
“Not enough money? What are you spending all your money on?”  
“Food, gas, electricity… I don’t know exactly, Andy. But that’s life. You’ve got to earn money if you want to spend it, right?”  
“Yeah right. So how many jobs does Dani have?”  
“One. Why?”  
“Nothing. Doesn’t sound fair to me, but it’s not my business.”  
“That’s right.”  
“Anyway, how is the eating going?” Andy asked before cocking his head slightly to the side.  
“Better. I eat three meals a day. Even a snack now and then,” I said before smiling. It felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Dani had helped me from day to day to start eating better again. It helped a lot. She showed me pictures from before my eating disorder and after, and I realized how unhealthy I looked. Step by step, I started eating more again. It had been tough, yes. But I was slowly getting better again.  
“I’m so glad to hear. You look better!” his smile looked genuine.   
“You too.” I mumbled, not thinking about what I was saying.  
“What?” Andy asked, raising one eyebrow in confusion. I felt the blood raising to my cheeks, forming a blush. Damnit Emma. I opened my mouth to say something about it, to tell him that I wasn’t thinking, but I was interrupted by Dani calling me.  
“Emma, dinner is ready!”   
“Coming!” I yelled back, before looking at the screen of my laptop once again. “I’ve got to go, dinner is ready. Just forget what I said at the end, I wasn’t thinking,” I apologized.   
“It’s okay Em, nothing to worry about. I will call again soon!” he chuckled before disconnecting the call. I waved before closing my laptop. I sighed before putting it away and getting up to walk downstairs.  
Calling Andy made me feel better. A lot better. But something was still missing, and I knew what it was.  
I missed Ashley. I fucking missed Ashley even more than when he left me for years.


	29. Chapter 29

I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted, actually.   
It had been a view days since Andy had called me the last time. I had planned to call him every day, but I just couldn’t find the time to do it.  
I knew that working two jobs would be tough, but I thought I would be able to handle it. But after doing so for a few weeks, I felt my body slowly breaking down. Nothing bad, really. Just small things. Feeling extra tired after a long day of work. Not feeling the motivation to do the dishes, even if it meant spending more time with my lover.  
I yawned before opening the front door. I had just finished my shift at the bar. My eyes darted to the clock in the hall. 2 AM. Dani was probably asleep already. I slowly walked inside and grabbed a glass of water, before walking upstairs.   
A long day like this made me want to crawl into my girlfriend’s arms, sleep with my head on her chest and forget about the rest of the world for a moment. But when I came upstairs, ready to strip down to my underwear, I noticed that her side of the bed was empty.  
Instead of her tall body lying beneath the blankets, there was a small note on her pillow.   
Dear Emma,  
I’m so sorry I have to tell you this way.   
I had to leave town for a business trip immediately.  
I will try to be back tomorrow, but it can take a few more days.  
Make sure to eat healthy, and try to keep the house clean, please!  
If you need to talk, just call me!  
Love you,  
Dani  
I frowned. This wasn’t like her. She wouldn’t just leave me like that, right? I sighed before crawling under the blankets on my own side of the bed, letting my mind drift off.  
\---------------------------------------------------  
I woke up to the sound of my alarm blaring. I moved my hand in the direction of the alarm, hoping that I would blindly hit the right button to shut the damn thing up.   
Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and I had to actually open my eyes to see what I was doing. I squeezed my eyes shut when I noticed how light it was in the room. You would say that you would get used to getting up early in the morning. Well, I didn’t.  
When my eyes were somewhat used to the light, I picked up my phone from the bedside table. It read 6 AM. I noticed an unread message from Jake.  
Jake: Hey, me and Jinxx are in town today. Want to hang out?  
I silently cursed my job at the supermarket, not being able to hang out with my friends when I got the chance to.   
Me: I’m so sorry, I have to work all day at the supermarket. And at the bar after .  
Jake: That’s a bummer..  Sounds like a busy day though. Anything we can do for you to make it more delightful?  
I thought for a moment after reading his message.   
Me: Uhmm.. Yeah well.. Dani isn’t here today and as I said, I have to work all day..  
Jake: Go on?  
Me: There isn’t a lot of good in the house and the groceries need to be done. If you could pick some things up, you would be my heroes.  
Jake: Of course! Just send me a list.  
Me: Milk, cheese, potato slices, beans and something like hamburgers? I don’t know?  
Jake: Will do  So the eating thing is going better, huh?  
Me: Yep   
Jake: Good to hear! You know, you really scared us at one point!  
Me: I’m sorry Jake..  
Jake: No need to apologize, just keep up the good work   
Me: Alrighty then.  
Jake: You know what, me and Jinxx will cook for you tonight. You need some time to relax, don’t you think?  
Me: Oh that’s really nice of you, but you really don’t have to…  
Jake: Not a problem! We’ll just invade your home (please let us know where the spare key is hidden) and a dinner for three will be ready at 6:30 pm.   
Me: Thank you <3 (under the door mat)  
Jake: You’re welcome! (Really? You guys are so cliché.)  
I smiled before putting my phone away again and getting out of bed. I guess today wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	30. Chapter 30

It had been a long day at the supermarket and I was glad that it was over. I stepped out of my car, enjoying the fresh spring air. I looked up to the sky to see that it was perfectly blue. My moment of peace was interrupted by my front door opening.  
“Emmmaaa!” A familiar voice called. I saw Jake standing in the door opening, looking just as his usual self. Ripped skinny jeans, a black band shirt and a leather jacket.   
I walked towards the door, speeding my pace a bit up when I noticed Jinxx standing a few inches behind him. As soon as I reached them, I wrapped my arms around Jakes body. Inhaling his scent, I felt a wave of home sickness hit me. The scent reminded me of the days I spend with the boys. Neither Ashley’s and Andy’s home, nor the tour bus had ever been my official home. It had been the place where I had felt most accepted though, from time to time. I felt Jake loosen his grip on me and I pulled back.  
“I’ve missed you,” he said, before smiling genuinely at me. I smiled before saying it back.  
I walked over to Jinxx as well, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug. We didn’t say anything, we just enjoyed each other’s presence. After a moment, he pulled away before smiling at me.  
A soft humming noise caught my attention. I looked at Jake and Jinxx, but they didn’t seem to be making any sound. It came from somewhere in the living room, maybe the kitchen.  
“What’s that sound?” I ask shyly before looking between Jinxx and Jake. They looked each other in the eyes, smiling knowingly before looking back at me.  
“I don’t know, Emma. Maybe you should take a look,” Jinxx chuckled before winking at me.  
I slowly walked in the direction of the kitchen, not sure what I would encounter in there. The humming got louder, so at least I knew I was going in the right direction.  
The first thing I saw was, unsurprisingly, the leather jacket. Next followed the skinny jeans and the semi-long black hair. His back was turned in my direction.  
“Andy?” I whispered, not being entirely sure if what I was seeing was true.  
He turned around at the sound of my voice, grinning when he saw me standing there.   
“The one and only.”   
I stared at him for a moment, not knowing what to do. He just stared back, mocking my expression, before opening his arms.  
I didn’t hesitate for a moment when I ran, jumping when I was close enough and wrapping my legs around him. My arms were wrapped around his neck, trying to keep myself in balance.  
“Woah,” was the sound he produced, which made me laugh.  
“Maybe next time a warning of some sort would be nice,” he chuckled into my shoulder, before putting me back on the ground.  
“I’ve missed you,” I mumbled.  
“I’ve missed you too, Em,” he replied before planting a kiss on my forehead.  
“Awh, how cute. Now who’s ready for dinner?!” Jake enthusiastically yelled from behind me. I grinned before walking over to the already decked table, including burning candles.  
“Awh!” I exclaimed, not being able to find the right words to say. I nervously glanced at the clock before I continued speaking. “We have to hurry up though, I have to work another shift tonight.”  
“Don’t worry about that. We dropped by at the bar today and talked to your boss, explained him the situation. He said that you could have an evening off to spend with us,” Jake said, before grinning proudly at me.  
“Really?” My eyes widened. All three of them nodded at me.  
“Do you like it?” Andy asked while he walked past me with a still burning hot pan.  
“I love it!” I grinned before sitting down, ready to enjoy a nice dinner with three of my best friends.   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------  
“So how did you suddenly have time to come over and visit me?” I asked while putting the dishes in the sink.   
“We have a few days off between two tours, so we went home to spend time with our family and loved ones,” Jinxx smiled at me before putting the rest of the dishes in the sink as well.  
I felt a pang of hurt when he mentioned that they got time to visit their family. Ashley hadn’t even send me a simple text the last couple of months, so him visiting me would not be realistic. Jinxx probably recognized the sudden change in my mood, since he put an arm around my shoulder.  
“You really miss Ashley, am I right?” He quietly asked.  
I avoided his gaze, staring at the suddenly oh so interesting dishes.   
“Everything alright in here?” Andy asked. I looked up to see him leaning against the door frame, worry reflecting in his eyes.   
I nodded slightly at him before trying to blink away the tears. Unfortunately, one of them escaped, rolling down over my cheek. I quickly moved up my hand to wipe it away, hoping no one would see.  
“Come on,” Andy whispered while holding out his hand. I hesitantly grabbed it, not knowing what he was going to do. As soon as my hand was in his, he dragged me up the stairs, not stopping before we were in mine and Dani’s bedroom. He let go of my hand and jumped on the bed, making himself comfortable. He patted the spot next to him, motioning for me to join him.  
I sighed before climbing on the bed as well, cuddling into his side.  
“What was that about?” he quietly asked.  
“What?”   
“You crying while Jinxx was trying to comfort you?” He looked down at me with a raised eyebrow.  
“Oh that... nothing important...” I mumbled.  
“You were crying, Emma. It clearly is important to you,” he sighed before continuing. “You know that you can tell me anything, right?”  
“It’s about Ashley…” I started. Andy nodded at me, motioning to go on.  
“You apparently have time off to visit your family and loved ones. You guys came all the way over to me, and Ash is nowhere to be seen.” I felt a hand stroking my hair while I was talking.  
“You should call him, ask him to come over.”  
“Andy, you know I can’t… not after all these months!” I exclaimed.  
“Emma, he needs you as much as you need him.”  
“So why didn’t he call then, huh? Why wasn’t he there for me when I needed him the most?” My voice was getting louder now, tears burning behind my eyes once again.  
“Hey Emma, ssshh… sssshhh…” He said, trying to calm me down. “You are both a bit stubborn, not wanting to give in. You know that you need each other but you both don’t want to be the first one to call, and with that admit that you were the one who was wrong,” he explained. I shrugged, not knowing how to react.  
“Should I talk to Ashley when we are on tour again? Tell him how much it would mean to you? Talk some sense into your brother?” he asked. I nodded at him, smiling.  
He started rubbing my arm once again when were interrupted by Jake standing in the door opening.   
“Are you ready for a board game? Triviant Pursuit maybe?” Jake asked while holding up the game.  
“As long as I am in a team with Andy,” I grinned before poking in the tall guy’s side. Andy looked down at me before chuckling.


	31. Chapter 31

“Oooooh, we won! We won! We won! We won!” I yelled before jumping up from the table and doing a small victory dance.  
“Yeah, yeah, we get it,” Jinxx chuckled before cleaning up the board to start another round.  
“Aren’t you happy Andy? We won!” I exclaimed, holding my hand up for a high five. He chuckled before clapping his hand against mine.  
“What is going on here?” A voice interrupted my moment of victory. I looked to the back door to see Dani standing there. I couldn’t recognize any emotion in her eyes, something was off about them. Something didn’t seem to be right, but I couldn’t point my finger at what it was exactly. I quickly walked over, wrapping my arms around her. She wrapped her arms loosely around me, though.  
“Oh we were just playing a board game. We had a few days off and decided to visit our lovely friend here!” Jinxx explained before smiling at Dani.  
“Shouldn’t you be working?” Dani asked before raising an eyebrow at me.  
“The guys fixed a night off for me, so I could spend some quality time with them,” I explained.  
“Oh, nice,” she answered before taking off her coat and putting it on the coach. “I am exhausted though, is it okay if our guests leave now?” Dani asked while blinking her long lashes at me.  
“Uhm…” I mumbled, before my eyes met Andy’s.  
“It’s fine, we were just about to leave, right guys?” he said, saving me from my awkward position. Jinxx and Jake both nodded hesitantly.  
I walked over to the front door with them, as they put on their coats.  
“Is everything alright between you two?” Jake asked quietly, so Dani couldn’t hear.  
“Yeah, everything is fine. She is just a bit tired, I am sorry about her,” I explained before smiling apologizingly at him.  
“I don’t trust her,” Andy stated.  
“Andy, I’m fine. Really,” I assured him.  
“Okay, but if she ever hurts you either physically or emotionally, you have to call me. Do you understand?”  
I nodded and wrapped my arms around his body, inhaling the scent that I must miss again for the time to come. I do the same with Jake and Jinxx and watch them walk outside, waving from the door opening at the car until I can’t see them anymore. I sighed before turning around again, walking into Dani’s house. A wave of sadness hit me when I thought about not seeing my friends again for a long time. As soon as I closed the front door, my thoughts were interrupted.  
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Dani yelled at me from the living room. I walked over to see a furious look on her face.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Uhm… everything?! What have you been up to the last few days?!”   
“I worked my shifts and then the boys came over?”  
“You DIDN’T work all your shifts, obviously.”  
“So I can’t have a night off?”  
“Well, obviously not! We need the money!”  
I looked down, avoiding her gaze. I silently wished that the yelling and fighting would be over soon. That she would forgive me and would be the loving Dani I knew once again.  
“And do you think the house will clean itself? There is dust on almost everything! I haven’t even started about that one pan with all the burned food stuck to the bottom!”  
“I’m sorry...”  
“You’d better be. I thought I could leave you alone for a while, but apparently, I was wrong.”  
She sounded so disappointed. And she had every right to be.  
“Furthermore, the food you bought is expensive! Why all the meat? Do you know how expensive meat is? So you love spending our money, but earning some is too much to ask?!”  
“I didn’t know… I didn’t think about it…”  
“That’s the problem, YOU DON’T THINK!”   
I felt the tears burning behind my eyes. I looked at my shoes.  
“I’m so sorry Dani, I will make it up to you,” I apologized. I looked up when I felt a stinging pain in my arm. I saw her hand gripping it firmly.  
“Oh hell yes, you are going to make it up to me. And you are going to earn back the money that we have lost because of your thumb brain. I will figure something out for you,” she snapped. I winced at the pain in my arm.  
“You’re hurting me.”  
“I really don’t give a shit,” she snapped before spitting in my face and walking away from me. She turned around once again. “And if I ever see your Black Veil baby friends here again, we are over.”


	32. Chapter 32

The sunlight tickled my face, causing me to slowly open one eye. I looked at the clock to see that it was a little past 10 am. I yawned before opening my other eye as well, pushing myself into a sitting position.   
It had been a few days since my fight with Dani. We hadn’t talked a lot actually, only about my two jobs. The morning after our fight, we both poured our hearts out. Apparently, Dani had had the feeling that I was going to abandon her as soon as I got the chance to spend time with my friends, like I did the night she came home. She expected a warm welcome, a big hug and a girl’s night. But there I was spending time and laughing my ass off, like I didn’t even care that she was gone. I had told her my point of view, explaining that working two jobs every day was just too exhausting. Surprisingly, she understood and we agreed that I would quit my job at the super market. As long as I would do some small jobs to help Dani out. Although we did have a good talk, something still felt off.   
During the fight, she had hurt me pretty bad. Some bruises had formed on my arm and I would wince every time they came into contact with something solid. But the bruises were finally fading now and the pain was disappearing, thank god.  
I rolled out of the bed, enjoying the fact that I didn’t have to get up in early in the morning every day anymore. I yawned one more time before stumbling down the stairs, smiling at the scent of fresh baked pancakes.  
“Good morning sunshine,” Dani chuckled before placing a kiss on my lips. I smiled at her before grabbing a plate from the cabinet.  
“Pancake?” She offered, not even bothering to wait for an answer before dropping one of the pancakes on my plate.  
“Thanks,” I mumbled before walking over to the dinner table. I was joined only a moment later by Dani, whom brought a pancake for herself and two cups of coffee for both of us.  
“So you enjoy the sleeping in, huh?” Dani questioned before taking a bite of her pancake.  
“Yeah, it’s pretty good,” I said with my mouth still half full.  
“Do you remember the deal we made?” she asked casually before opening a magazine to read. I felt my heart beat quicken.  
“Uhmm.. yeah.. what do you want me to do?”  
“There’s this really cute perfume…” she started, her thoughts trailing off to the magazine.   
“Yeah?” I said, suggesting for her to continue.  
“Ah, there it is!” she exclaimed before holding up the magazine to me, showing me an advertisement of some perfume.  
“What?! Dani, that one is really expensive! I thought we needed to be careful with spending money?” I replied, half choking on my pancake.  
“Yeah dummie. No one said anything about spending money,” she laughed before putting down the magazine again. “I’m not going to spend 100 dollars on perfume.”  
I felt my eyes widen.  
“You want to steal it?” I formed the words slowly.  
“Not me. You.” She pointed her long finger at me before smiling.  
“No way. There is no way in hell that I’m going to steal something,” I answered resolutely, attempting to leave the dinner table. She grabbed my arm though, forcing me to sit down again.  
“Emma, I am the one who is giving you a place to live. Food. Love. Warmth. A bed. Do you want to lose that all? Because I’m sure as hell there is no other place for you to go to. Your friends will be touring soon again, and I don’t think your brother wants to have you near him again,” she snapped, holding my arm a little too tightly.  
I felt my heart sink when I realized that she was probably telling the truth. I nodded slowly.   
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” I mumbled, avoiding her gaze.  
“So we have a deal?” She grinned at me.  
“Yeah.”  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
My heart was probably beating five times as fast as possible. My hands were sweaty, making everything I touched slippery.  
I tugged my hands in the pockets of the big black sweater that I had borrowed from Dani. She had given me the tip to make myself unrecognizable, in case the security cameras would catch something. So she had given me a cap to put on my head, with a large black sweater with a hood that could be pulled over the cap.   
I really, really, really didn’t want to be here right now. I silently cursed myself for getting in this situation. I had pinched myself more than once after I walked into the store, wishing it was all just a bad dream.  
A perfume in the corner of my eye caught the attention. It was the one Dani wanted. I repeated the steps that she mentioned once again in my head. First, look interested. Pick up the perfume and pretend that you are reading the ingredients.   
I followed the instructions, carefully picking up the small bottle.  
Second, drop your keys. Bend down to pick it up. When you get up, put the keys in your bag together with the perfume. Make sure to move quick, but don’t raise any suspicion. Act casually.  
I had just put the perfume in my bag. I looked around to check if anyone was looking. Everyone was minding their own business, thank god. I wanted to let out a sigh, but I was interrupted.  
I felt a hand grabbing my arm. I winced slightly, since it was touching the fading bruises.   
“I would put that back if I were you,” an all too familiar voice spoke.  
My mind reacted slower than my body. I had already turned around to look in the man’s face, before I realized who it was.  
I saw Ashley’s eyes widen when he looked into mine.  
“Fuck, Emma?”   
I thought my heart rate had been high when I walked in. Well, now it was going two times as fast.  
It took me a second to react. I grabbed the perfume out of my back, shoving it back onto the shelf. I managed to escape from Ashley’s. My legs moved faster than I thought was possible when I ran for the exit of the shop.  
I quickly glanced over my shoulder to see that Ashley was following me.  
“Damnit Emma, come back here!” he yelled angrily.   
I ran around the corner, just missing a pile of boxes. Fortunately for me, Ashley didn’t miss them. I turned around at the sound of things clattering on the ground. I smiled to myself when I saw that the staff of the shop was already walking over to Ashley. He probably would have to stay and pay for the supplies he broke.  
I kept on running as fast as I could until I was at the car, trying to get away from the shopping centre as fast as possible.


	33. Chapter 33

“What do you mean, you didn’t succeed?” Dani yelled. I was standing near the back door, not knowing where to look. My gaze dropped to her feet.  
“I was caught stealing by…” I trailed off. I felt my heart thump in the back of my throat, my hands getting sweaty again.  
“By whom? Huh?” She spat, stepping closer to me.  
“By Ashley..” I mumbled.  
“So you are too pussy to stand up to your own brother?”  
“What?”  
“He treats you like shit. He kicks you out of his life the moment he doesn’t feel like taking care of you anymore,” she started. “So why did you listen to him? Why did you put it back?”  
“What else could I have done?” I felt tears sting behind my eyes. Seeing Ashley for the first time in months hurt like a bitch. The fact that panic rose in me the moment my eyes locked on his eyes hurt as well. But getting home, expecting support and love from your girlfriend when she doesn’t show any feelings towards you at all? Yeah, that is like a knife in my back.  
“Put a knee in his crotch and run for it,” she casually stated.  
“He is my brother. I wouldn’t do that.”   
“Ah, so he can hurt you, but you can’t hurt him? Pussy, like I said.”   
“Dani…” I mumbled. I didn’t know what to do or say.  
“Watch and learn.” I watched her walking confidently over to me, unsure about what was going to happen. When she was close enough, she lifted one of her knees. It happened so fast. The only thing I knew was that something hard landed in my stomach, making me double over in pain.  
“That’s how you handle these situations.” Those were the last words she said before she disappeared. I didn’t look up, but the sound of the front door being slammed shut suggested that she was gone. And I had no idea for how long.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Good evening sir, would you like something to drink?” I said before smiling my friendliest smile at him. Smiling all evening made me feel exhausted, since I had to force up the corners of my mouth all the time. I didn’t feel like smiling today.  
“Yeah, just a beer please,” the big man with the moustache answered.   
“Would you like beer from the tab or a bottle?” I answered, looking up in his eyes.  
“The tap, please.”   
I grabbed a big glass and hold it under the tab, filling it with the yellowish liquid. I handed him the glass and mumbled a thank you when he gave me the money.  
I continued wiping the counter when I was interrupted by someone scraping his throat. I looked up from the dirty cloth to look right in the bright blue eyes of Andy.  
Part of me wanted to be happy, to hug him and tell him that I missed him. But the part of me that worried took over. He and Ashley lived in a house. Ashley had definitely told him what happened today. My eyes automatically avoided his. I was suddenly aware of my heart beat.  
“My eyes are up here, Emma,” he mumbled before continuing. “I would just like a coke, please.”  
I nodded at him before grabbing a glass and filling it with coke. My hand trembled slightly when I accepted his money, putting it in the cash register.  
“Why are you shaking?” Andy asked when I continued wiping the counter.  
“Because…” I mumbled, not knowing what to say.  
“… Because you’re afraid that Ashley told me what happened today,” he finished for me.  
I froze. I couldn’t manage to look into his eyes. To see the disappointment. I just stared at the dirty cloth.  
“Why did you do it?”   
“Do what?” I asked, trying to play dumb.  
“Steal?” Andy’s eyebrow rose.  
“I didn’t steal anything. I don’t know what you are talking about,” I mumbled quickly before putting away the dirty cloth and looking over the bar to see new costumers.  
“Good evening, how can I help you?” I said to them, writing down the drinks they wanted. I glanced over to see Andy sit with his hands folded, waiting patiently for me to come back to him as soon as I was done with the customers.  
As soon as everyone had their drinks and the money had been put into the cash register, I walked back over to Andy.  
“You didn’t steal but we both know you tried to. Why?” He continued, like there hadn’t been a pause in the chat.  
“We needed the perfume but didn’t have the money…” I mumbled.  
“’We needed the perfume’, really? A person doesn’t simply ‘need’ perfume. And who is we?” His eyes were sceptically scanning my face for emotions.  
“Me and Dani.”  
“You never wear perfume.”   
“I was in for a change.”  
“Okay, cut all the bullshit. Did Dani make you do this?”   
How would he know? Why would he think that she would force me to do something like that? Didn’t we look like the perfect couple to the outside world?  
My heart sunk when I realized that he knew the truth. I couldn’t tell him. He would want me to break up with her. I finally found a place to stay, a girl I loved, a job I liked. I didn’t want to give all of this up. Even if it meant doing some jobs from time to time for my girlfriend. I just hoped she wouldn’t force me to steal again.  
“No, she didn’t.” I looked down when I said it, not daring to look straight into his eyes.  
“Avoiding eye contact if the first sign of lying,” he stated.  
“I’m not lying.”  
“You’re protecting her,” he mumbled, taking another sip of his drink.  
“What are you talking about?”  
“You are protecting her because you’re afraid that I will do something to her.”  
“You don’t understand,” I mumbled before grabbing his glass and refilling it with coke. I accepted his money.  
“What’s on your arm?” he continued, his eyes scanning over to my bare arm. I noticed some new bruises, probably from when she held me down this morning. I casually swung my arm behind the rest of my body, trying to hide it from his sight.  
“Nothing.”  
Before I knew what was happening, Andy leaned over the bar and grabbed my arm, yanking me with him when he sat back in his seat. I tried to get out of his grip, but failed more than once. His eyes were scanning the bruises carefully.  
“Did she do this to you?” He mumbled. My eyes landed on his drink.   
“No-“  
“Damnit Emma! Stop lying!” he rose his voice. “Did she do this to you?” He asked, softer again this time.  
“Well… yeah, but it was an accident!” I quickly said, looking into his eyes. It was, right? She probably hadn’t meant to hurt me.  
“Maybe you should stop protecting her and start protecting yourself.” His cold fingers were sliding over my bruises, over my hand and over my fingers.  
“I’m not protecting-“  
“Yes. You. Are.” His voice sounded restrained. Like he was holding back a lot of emotions. “Why? Did she threaten you?” He continued.  
“Because I love her,” I mumbled, a blush rising to my cheeks.  
“But does she love you back?”


	34. Chapter 34

My vision was blurred. Although I was staring out of the window, I barely noticed the cars passing by. The words Andy said kept repeating in my head.  
But does she love you back?  
She loved me, right? We loved each other? Why else would she have let me move in with her? All the times she said she loved me, didn’t they count? But what was the last time she said that she loved me? The thoughts kept spinning through my mind, but I never found an answer to the simple question.   
I had no idea how long I had been sitting like that when my thoughts were interrupted by a voice.  
“Hey, what do you want to eat for breakfast?” Andy spoke from behind me. The words echoed through my mind for a moment before I was able to register what he said. I shrugged, not bothering to look around.  
After Andy asked me that question last night, I hadn’t been able to function properly. I noticed new costumers too late and handed them the wrong drinks. Apparently Andy had noticed, because he kept asking if everything was alright. I hadn’t known the answer to the question so I hadn’t answered it. At the end of the shift, he offered me a ride home. I wanted to refuse, tell him that I was perfectly fine on my own. But I never found the energy to let the words leave my mouth. So he drove me home and since Dani was gone again, I offered him a place to stay. He slept in the guest bedroom, I slept in mine and Dani’s bed. Even though someone was with me in the house, I still felt lonely in the bed made for two people.  
I felt two hands on my shoulders before I noticed Andy in the corner of my eyes, trying to catch my attention.  
“Come on, let’s get you to the couch. I will make us a delicious breakfast.” He smiled genuinely at me before putting his hand on my lower back and pushing me softly in the direction of the living room.  
“You don’t have to do this,” I quietly mumbled.  
“Yes, I do. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you that question, okay?” I nodded slightly, avoiding his gaze. Two fingers under my chin forced me to look into his eyes.  
“I’m serious, Emma. I shouldn’t have done it.”  
“Do you think she doesn’t love me?” I quietly asked, still looking in his eyes.  
“I don’t think I can answer that question, Ems.” Pity had filled his eyes. “But she must be crazy if she doesn’t.” I felt his lips kiss the top of my head before he walked in the direction of the kitchen. A blush creeped onto my cheeks when I sat down on the couch, smiling slightly when I thought about the man standing in the kitchen.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I felt my heart rate speed up when I climbed upstairs. My thoughts were flying back to the cryptical message I had received from Dani a few minutes ago.  
There is a small bag under my side of the bed. I need you to take this with you and go to the alley behind the Walmart, near the central park. Be there at 2 pm. There will be a guy called Pete. Immediately go home after he handed his money to you and don’t listen to a word he says. Put the money in the drawer with my socks.   
I walked into our bedroom, kneeling on the ground to spot the small plastic bag under the bed. I grabbed it before quickly putting it into my backpack. I put some basic stuff into my backpack as well: wallet, bottle of water, deodorant, a scarf. Anything basically to hide the small plastic bag on the bottom of the bag.   
I walked downstairs again a moment later to see Andy sitting in front of the television.   
“Hey Andy, can I borrow your car?” I casually asked. My calm voice didn’t reflect how I was feeling. My hands started shaking already when I thought about the fact that I had to meet some stranger in a few minutes.   
“Huh, why?” His eyebrows furrowed when he looked over to me.  
“I need to do some grocery shopping.”   
“Oh, I will come along!” He exclaimed before turning of the television.  
“You can’t…” I mumbled. Thank god that I had been prepared for this reaction.  
“Why not..?” One of his eyebrows shot up, giving me a sceptical look.  
“I need, you know, girl stuff,” I awkwardly mumbled.  
“I think I can handle that,” he chuckled before getting up. I put my hands on his chest when he tried grab his jacket, softly pushing him back.  
“Honestly Andy, you can’t come along. Respect my privacy.”  
“What are you tal- What’s going on?” His voice rose slightly when he noticed that something wasn’t right.  
“Nothing? I just need to get to the Walmart with your car!”  
“Is Dani making you do something again?” Suspicion rose in his voice.  
“No.”  
“Look me in the eyes and tell me Dani has nothing to do with this,” he sternly said. My eyes moved up to meet his.  
“Dani has nothing to do with this,” I lied the best I could. Surprisingly, he fell for it. Or at least made me believe that he fell for it. He sighed before handing me his car keys.  
“Be careful, and I you’re not back at 4 pm I’m coming to get you.”  
I nodded at him before giving a small smile and walking out of the front door. My hands were clam and I felt my heart beating in my throat. Who the well was this Pete guy? And why wasn’t I allowed to listen to anything I said?


	35. Chapter 14

I looked at my laces, trying to concentrate on untying them. It had been a week since the girls had pushed me into the shower after that one training. It had been a week since I talked to Andy. My brother skype called me every day and some of the other guys would appear too, but Andy was never there. I guess I had offended him.. Well, he had offended me by pretending that he cared if I was hurt.  
None of them would actually care, and that’s the reason that I didn’t tell them. They had tour to worry about. They were living on the road and sleeping in tight bunks, smelling the smell of their stinky tour clothes. Really, they had other things to think about right now.  
The bullying had gotten worse and worse over the week. It started with pushing me into the showers almost every day, but at the end of the week I also received some kicks, slaps and pushes at random moments during training. I tried to ignore it the best I could, because I didn’t stand a chance to the girls.  
We had just finished are first actual match, and we had actually won. Everyone was walking and dancing around in the dressing room, cheering and hugging each other. I was just trying to untie my shoes so that I could go home and watch Netflix on my own. But my plans were cut off when the coach walked into the dressing room.  
“That’s my team!! Good job girls!” She cheered, before high fiving all of us. She high fived me as well, which surprised me. But hey, she never bullied me. She always involved me in everything. The coach wasn’t that bad after all.  
“To celebrate our first victory, we’re going out for dinner tonight!” She continued. Everyone cheered even harder, but I was just relieved that I finally had untied my laces and could pull my shoe off.  
\------------------  
It was a few hours later now and we were all sitting in some chic restaurant. We had just finished our desert and were about to leave. I sat at the end of the table, only having my coach as my neighbour.  
I didn’t want to come along, but the coach convinced me and told me that this was the moment to try to connect with the other girls. Although I still didn’t want to go, I agreed with her that it would be nice to come along.  
We had started the night with some wine, and I guess I should not have said yes to it. I already felt the impact of the alcohol on my body and mind, even though I only had about three glasses of wine. Guilt was weighing on my chest. I had promised my brother not to drink and I did it anyways. The coach paid and we all went outside.  
“Why don’t we go out to a club? We can go dancing and have some fun,” one of the girls, that I actually didn’t know that well, asked. Everyone cheered and agreed, before walking off in the right direction.  
Now I didn’t actually feel like going home yet. Maybe if I would drink just a little bit more, I would relax and would be able to have some fun with the girls. Maybe the problem was that I just didn’t say that much. I watched them walk away before the same girl turned around, looking at me.  
“Aren’t you coming, Emma?” She asked before smiling kindly. I nodded slightly before walking after them.  
\--------  
I felt her lips crash against mine. She tasted like strawberries.  
My lips automatically moved along with her lips. I don’t think I would be able to control my own movements that well anymore. I guess I had had a little bit too much to drink. Again. I just couldn’t control myself when I was around alcohol, apparently.  
We had went into this club, where people were drinking and smoking like maniacs. I had danced with my team mates for a little while, but I had noticed some hot girl come in. I hadn’t been able to keep my eyes off her, and after a while she asked me to dance. And then this happened.   
I felt the weird tickling feeling in my stomach that I knew all too well. She deepened the kiss, before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was turned around forcefully, and looked right into the eyes of Claire.  
“You are so gross. We knew that you stank but you are a lesbo now too?” She started slurring, clearly intoxicated.  
“Look who is gross here. You’re boobs are almost falling out of your shirt, trying to find some random guy who wants to pleasure you tonight,” I snapped back. Normally, I would ignore it, but I think the alcohol was taking over my brain.   
“Excuse me?”  
“You heard what I said. Slut.” I felt a hand grabbing my arm from behind. I looked back to see the girl who I had just kissed with trying to drag me away.  
“Don’t react. We can go somewhere else,” she said before smiling slightly at me.  
“No, I am sooo done with herr. I want to let her know what I think,” I slurred before turning around again.   
“What did you just call me?” Claire asked.  
“You’re a slut. A pathetic whore.”  
She stared right in my eyes before she actually spat in my face. Only a moment later, my fist had landed on her nose. I felt someone pull my hair, and something hit me in the face.  
I didn’t remember anything that happened after. I guess the alcohol had taken over my body and my mind, controlling the fight I was in.


	36. Chapter 38

I did not know where I was.  
I did not know how I got here.  
The only think I knew was that my head was pounding.  
I carefully opened one eye, squeezing it shut immediately again when the sunlight hit me. I let out a not so charming groan before turning around, trying to regain my sleep.  
However, it took me a few minutes to realize that the pounding in my head made it impossible to do so. I opened both my eyes this time and gave them a moment to get used to the bright light.  
I took in my surroundings. I was clearly not in our bedroom, neither was I in my bedroom and Andy’s and Ashley’s house. There was a small table standing beside me. The soaring pain in my back made me realize that I was not lying on a good bed, that I was not lying on a bed at all. I put my arms under me and pushed myself up a bit. The soft material beneath me was the couch in the middle of the living room at Dani’s house. I was lying on top of it, nothing covering my naked body but a small blanked that fell on top of me.  
The moment I realized I wasn’t wearing any clothes, I stumbled of the couch hitting my knee in the process. I grabbed my shirt from the ground and quickly put it on.  
A wave of nausea hit me, so ran to the toilet and kneeled down in front of it. I started throwing up violently, the smell of puke only making me throw up even more. When nothing came out anymore, I put my head against the toilet breathing heavily. I felt exhausted.  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
I threw up three more times before I felt the nausea fade away. After that, I went upstairs and put on some decent clothes. I still felt like shit and barely managed to get up and down the stairs without falling down.  
It was only when I went into the living room again when I noticed a note laying on top of the dinner table, accompanied by a small bag once again.  
Emma,  
I had to leave town. I will be back tomorrow. Please make sure that everything is cleaned up.  
I also need you to meet Pete again and give this to him.  
Ps. You were really good in bed Love, Dani I felt a pang of hurt in my chest, and not because I had to deal drugs again. I slept with Dani? When? How? And why didn’t I remember? \--------------------------------------------------------------- I had tried to cover up the bags under my eyes, but when I looked in the rear view mirror of the car they were still clearly visible. They reflected how I was feeling right now. My head was still pounding, even though I took a few painkillers. The nausea had left, but waves of dizziness kept hitting me from time to time and I was extremely tired. I looked in the mirror of the car once again before putting on sunglasses. Pete did not need to know how awful I felt, it would make me look weak. I grabbed my bag and climbed out of the car. I casually walked in the direction of the alley near the Walmart again. Pete was leaning against the wall in the dark alley, casually smoking a cigarette. He looked up curiously when he saw me walking in his direction. “Hey, it’s you again,” he said before throwing his cigarette on the ground and putting it off with his foot. I gave him a small smile, forcing the corners of my mouth up. My throat was sour from all the throwing up, so I didn’t feel like talking a lot. I grabbed the small plastic bag with drugs out of my bag and handed it to him. I waited for him to give me the money so that I could get out of there as fast as I can. “What’s up with the sunglasses, huh? Trying to look tougher?” he chuckled before counting the money in his hands. “Something like that,” I answered. I was surprised by how hoarsely my voice sounded. I accepted the money and put it in my bag. “So how are you and Dani doing?” he casually asked while lighting up another cigarette. He offered me one as well, but I declined politely. “We’re doing just fine,” I said before turning around to walk away. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to have anything to do with drug dealers and I did not want to fucking deal drugs myself. My quick movement caused another wave of dizziness. A light feeling creeped into my head and I felt my legs give out under me. I would have hit the ground if two strong arms wouldn’t have caught me in time. “Hey, hey, hey… Be careful,” Pete softly spoke from behind me. He lead me towards the wall, making me stumble on the way and almost falling over again. “Do you want to sit down?” He asked. I just nodded in response. He softly put me against the wall and pushed me down. He sat down beside me, just a few centimetres away from me. He carefully pulled off my sunglasses, revealing my eyes to the bright sunlight. “Oh, you look like shit… What happened? Hangover?” I just shrugged in response. “I don’t know..” I mumbled. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” “I just don’t know. I woke up like this on the couch. I don’t even know how I got there…” “You don’t remember? Did you.. use drugs or drink alcohol?” he carefully asked, trying not to sound judgemental. “No, no I didn’t. The last thing I remember is playing Uno with Dani. After that I felt very sleepy. I think I fell asleep but that doesn’t explain any of this..” “Do you think Dani did something to you?” “Why would she do that?” I asked. I couldn’t help but sounding offended. Dani was my girlfriend. She loved me. And I loved her. Who the fuck does this Pete guy think he is? “Dani is no good Emma.” “Maybe I just caught a bug. I probably have the flu,” I said resolutely before pushing myself of the ground again. Even I did not believe myself when I said that, but I pushed the feeling away. I grabbed my bag and started walking away. “You need to leave her Emma! You need to find help!” He called after me, but I ignored him and walked to my car. I climbed in, put my bag on the seat beside me and drove away. Next stop: Starbucks. It’s time to face my brother again.


	37. Chapter 39

I was staring at the Starbucks cup in my hand. I had finished the whole content for the third time that hour.  
I sighed before getting up from the chair and walking over to the bin to throw the cup away. The clock caught my attention in the corner of my eye.  
Ashley was supposed to meet me at 12 pm. It was 1:20 pm now.   
A normal girl would have accepted that her friend wouldn’t show up any more and would have left. I wanted to leave, I really did. But I didn’t want to accept that Ashley wouldn’t show up anymore.  
After all that time, he finally contacted me again. I thought that he really wanted to see me. Ashley is not the kind of person who forgets appointments. Especially not when it includes family.  
But he wasn’t here. I looked at the bar. Should I buy another cup? Wait a little longer? But what was the chance of him actually showing up?  
I thought that things would be better between us from now on. That things would change when we would meet up again. If I would go home now, I would give up the chance of strengthening our friendship and brother-sister relationship.  
Fuck him.  
What the fuck does he think he is doing.  
He can’t just call you and get your hopes up, and then just ditch you like this.  
I wasn’t going home. I was going to his home. And I was going to tell him what I really thought about this bullshit.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------  
I pushed down the gas pedal a little more. I was exceeding the speed, but I didn’t give a fuck. I needed to face Ashley as fast as I could.  
I switched to the left lane, not even bothering to look in my mirrors. I wanted to overtake the fucking slow cars in front of me.  
I turned right, into the quiet neighbourhood where my brother and Andy lived. I speeded up once again, heading towards a small roundabout. No one ever crossed it, so I didn’t bother to slow down.  
I knew I made the wrong decision when I saw the lamppost in front of me, coming closer real fast. I tried to yank the stirring wheel to the left, avoiding a collapse, but I was too late.  
Never had I been in a car accident. I didn’t know that it would feel like this. It wasn’t as scary as I had expected, but maybe that was because there weren’t any other cars involved.  
The car came to a sudden halt when I collapsed with the lamppost, yanking me forward in my seat. The last thing I remembered was hitting my head in the process.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------  
I pushed myself back in my seat. A stinging pain in my head made me wince. I put my hand on my forehead. When I lowered my hand again, I saw blood sticking to my hand.  
DAMNIT.  
Damn fucking Ashley and him not showing up.   
Fuck this fucking lamppost.  
Fuck this fucking car.  
Fuck everything.  
I unbuttoned my seatbelt while cursing. I threw open the car and climbed out before loudly shutting it again. I couldn’t help but put my feet up in the air and kick the car a few times.  
“DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!” I cursed before flicking off my car and walking away, not bothering to take out my keys or lock it. I left it against the lamppost like that.  
Andy and Ashley’s house was only a 5 minute walk away, so a few minutes later I stomped onto their driveway. When I was at the front door, I pushed the bell at least 3 times.  
It was only a moment before the door opened, but it felt like an eternity.  
The moment I recognized my brother, I lunched forward and pushed against his chest.  
“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
If I would have been able to see clearly, I would have noticed that his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. But I only saw red. I felt so angry. I was almost scared by myself.   
“What are you doing?!” He raised his voice, trying to get me off him by grabbing my wrists.  
“Where the fuck were you?!”  
“Where the fuck was I? You were the one that cancelled!” He responded.  
“Bullshit. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT FUCKING BULLSHIT!” I screamed, tears forming in my eyes.  
“What’s going on-“ A familiar voice asked from somewhere else. I looked up to see Andy walking down the stairs.  
“Did you know that he was not going to show up at Starbucks today?” I fiercely said, my volume going down a bit.  
“That he was not going to show up-“  
“Yeah he didn’t show up. You knew about us meeting up, right?” I interrupted Andy.  
“I did, but you called last night and-“  
“STOP FUCKING LYING. I didn’t call anyone. What the fuck are you talking about?!”  
“Maybe you were too drunk to remember,” Ashley mumbled.  
“Is that what you think of me? Some slut who’s just drinking and drinking and not caring about life?!” I yelled.  
“Well, you did call last night. I was there when he picked up..” Andy started.  
“I didn’t call!” I yelled. My voice betrayed me. It broke at the end. I felt a tear slipping down my cheek.  
“I didn’t call, I seriously didn’t.” My hands started shaking. I wanted them to stop, I didn’t want to show my weakness. But I couldn’t stop the quivering movement.  
“Did you drink last night?” Andy softly asked.  
“No. No. NO. I didn’t drink since the first time I met Dani.”  
“But why don’t you remember calling me? You said that you were busy and that you didn’t want to talk to me anyways. That things would never be like before,” Ashley said.  
“I didn’t say that? I really wanted to talk to you!”  
“But why don’t you remember?” Andy asked again.  
It was like everything hit me at once. Everything that happened in the last 24 hours.   
Dani acting all strange when I wasn’t feeling well.  
Dani laying me down on the couch.  
Dani putting her hands under my shirt.  
Waking up naked.  
Having to deal drugs.  
Pete suggesting Dani doing something to me.  
Car accident.  
My hands started shaking even more violently now. I put them up to my face, covering my mouth before letting the sobs escape.  
“I don’t know…” I mumbled in between two sobs.  
“I don’t know… I don’t know. I don’t understand…” The tears were streaming down my face now. My breathing was getting uneven.   
“I don’t understand.. I don’t understand… I don’t understand. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.” I couldn’t help but repeat the words over and over again.   
My breathing rhythm changed into hyperventilating.  
“I don’t UNDERSTAND, Andy. I don’t know. I don’t get it. I don’t understand.”  
“Emma, I need you to take deep breaths. Calm down, please,” he softly spoke.   
“Maybe she should sit down,” I heard my brother say. After that, two strong hands lead me towards the couch and sat me down.  
“Honey, look at me,” Andy’s strong words were spoken from right in front of me. When I looked up, I saw him kneeling on the ground. I looked right into his bright blue eyes.  
“Breath in through your nose,” he started. I took me some effort, but I managed to follow his instructions.  
“Now out through your mouth.”   
I blew out my breath.  
“In through your nose.”  
I took a deep breath.  
I felt myself calm down, but the flow of tears didn’t stop.  
“Out through your mouth.”  
We kept doing that for a few minutes while Andy kept staring right at me.  
“Are you feeling a bit better?” he quietly asked. I nodded, afraid that my voice would break again when I would talk.  
“Now let’s get the wound on your head cleaned up, okay? And then we can try to understand together why you don’t remember calling last night,” he continued. I nodded once again.  
I turned my head to see Ashley sitting beside me on the couch.  
“Can I stay here tonight?” I asked, my throat soar because of all the crying.  
“Of course you can.” He gave me a small smile, but his eyes did not reflect that emotion.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this fanfic! English isn't my first language so sometimes I might use unusual constructions in my sentences. please give me feedback, I want to improve my English :)
> 
> I would really appreciate if you would leave a comment, since comments motivate me to keep on reading.


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